Perhaps not so random things I'm tired of this morning: Dragging my ass outta bed in the morning to come in to this shithole; the monotony of daily existence (every weekday is a countdown to the weekend which just flashes by and then it's back to the weekdays again; and then every week just blurs freakishly fast into the next one); the cold; driving; other people driving; talking to people; eating.

Not so random belated new year's resolution:
So in eight days, I'm going to be 27. I don't find the age particularly all that terrifying. But I am remarkably sick of aging. Birthdays aren't what they used to be--no more pomp & circumstance of primary school (the lavish sugary cakes, the sleep-over parties, the gazillion kiddie presents); just another reminder that life is passing you by REALLY damn fast.

This is why birthdays usually put me in a glum mood, even weeks ahead of time. Each time one rolls around, I find myself being reminded that this (life) is a one-shot deal. If I fuck it up and don't take advantage of it before it slips away, what a waste it will have been. Then I find myself reflecting back on what I've done so far. And that ain't much, folks. There's some meager hilights--I spent 3+ weeks driving around the country (camping and spending time in places such as the Grand Canyon, Las Vegas, Big Sur, San Francisco, and Boulder, Colorado to mention a few), I have my master's degree (which doesn't seem like much at all as of late), I have good friends, I have loved and will continue to love.

These are things that make the days worth trudging through. And the prospect of exciting things to come also provides a hearty incentive.

But the 26th year of my existence was a crazy one, so looking into the window of 27 both scares me some and makes me feel boisterously excited and proud at the same time. During my 26th year I've found myself severed from old loves, happily stumbling across new loves, drawn close to old friends, disappointed in old friends, stumbling back across friends I hadn't talked to in years only to slip into the same harmony of the past, graced with the presence of new people in my life, having come closer to certain people in my family, and most importantly having loved loved loved.

And despite the crazy mix of both wonderful and terrible events this past year, I am relatively content with my life at the moment.

I do, however, find myself shocked/bewildered/troubled by one aspect of my life as of late. And this is the fact that some of my closest relationships have turned sour--some for obvious and clear reasons, and others for reasons completely unbeknownst to me. As of late, I feel like this nearly 27-year old serpent who is about to start shuffling off some thick skin of some fragment of her past life. And the sad thing is, I don't want to shake my way out of this--I don't want these people I love to slip off and out of my life with one quick shrug. So I'm scrambling to hang onto them with a mad fierceness. And yet they're just standing there, looking at me, not doing a damn thing. And it breaks my heart.

But you know what? As I'm rolling into the eve of my 27th year, I've decided the following: I have always tried my damnedest to show those I love how very much I love them, to maintain ties (difficult though it may be), to be there for people through thick and through thin. I struggle for those I truly love--I dig my heels in and try the fucking hardest I can to keep things good between us. I make an effort. But I am tired. I am so very tired of giving and not receiving in return. And unfortunately, some people just suck and don't return the favor. And everyone has some excuse, but each and every excuse is just getting more and more hollow.

So as of day one of my 27th year, I am on strike. I am hereby resolving to only keep forging ahead with those relationships where other people are also determined to keep a tight grip on my hand, to struggle through things with me and not just let me slip away when things in MY life get difficult and things in THEIR lives get easier. I am shouting out to the world, If you wanna be friends with me, you're finally gonna have to make a fucking effort, to grit your teeth and struggle with me instead of just slipping out of the picture when times get hard.

And don't get me wrong--I'm not saying I'm not gonna put myself out there and love selflessly as I have been. That's unavoidable. But I am gonna stop beating myself up over the people who are so willfully allowing themselves to slip from my hands and just let it happen already. I know in my heart, I've tried my damnedest. But I cannot allow my heart to be trampled on just for the sake of maintaining ties that are, apparently, important only to me--not if I'm never going to see any effort made in return. So from here on out, I am no longer making an effort with people who don't make an effort in return.

And hopefully as my 27th year approaches, all the cards will fall into place and the people who just aren't worth it will tumble, and the people who truly deserve my devotion and energy, who've deserved it all along, will remain standing.

This will be the mark of my 27th year. I hope it will be a good one.

Not so random question of the day: What is the meaning of life?

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