Childhood Memories I Wish I Had

Once when I was little, I had been swimming in Lake Erie with my brother. The waves were kind of choppy, so I was keeping an eye on him for my parents. All of the sudden, he dipped under into the waves. Ten... fifteen... twenty seconds passed and he still hadn't come back up for air. Panicking, I dove into the frothy waters and furiously searched for any sign of him. But instead, I came face to face with a Great White shark. He licked his lips and grinned at me. Afraid for my life, I panicked. I punched him as hard as I could in the nose. He immediately started bawling like a big ol' baby and I felt bad. He told me, "I was only trying to help you find your brother before they whisk him off to a watery grave!" "Who?" I asked. "The Jews!" he shouted, wiping away a few tears. Those lousy Jews, always kidnapping swimmers, I thought to myself. Then I saw one of them swiftly whisking away my brother along the lake's floor. I judo-chopped him in the shoulder and grabbed my brother before he knew what had even hit him. The shark, whose name was Robert Redgrave, Esquire, swooped us both up in the safety of his enormous mouth. He swam us back to the shore and dropped us off there. My parents never even found out that anything had happened.




Another time when I was about five, my dad and I were driving to the store. A rusted out old car cut him off on the side street and he started swearing at the car. In a bout of road rage, he followed the car until it stopped at a red light. He put our car in park, got out, and stomped up to the other car, fuming. As he approached the car, the door swung open and out stepped a robot. This thing was no regular robot--it was about 7 feet tall and had the words "BAD ASS" welded into its chest. My father took a swing at the huge metallic fellow. Immediately the robot shot two laser beams at my father from his eyes. Luckily my father ducked and the beams hit a car nearby instead--this car exploded into the air and landed back down in a hundred flaming pieces all around us. My father, now realizing perhaps this hadn't been a good idea after all, lurched back towards our car and got in. The robot was quickly approaching, so my father gunned the car around him. But not before he was able to shoot one enormous stream of belchified fire at us from his open metallic jaw. Thank god it missed us and hit a little old lady instead. We were safe! We made it to the store and my father told me never to speak of this incident again.

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