Connie and Carla

So I went to see Connie and Carla last night. Most of you are probably thinking, "For fuck's sake, WHY?!?!" Well, I had a free pass, otherwise I don't think you coulda dragged me kicking and screaming. Anyways, today I'm gonna offer up a sorta review/musing on this Sister Act meets drag queen after-school special for you all. And I suppose I should warn ya that I'm gonna give away the plot, beginning to end, so if you don't want to hear the whole story, stop reading (though I must say, if you can't see the whole plot-line coming from a MILE away just from the previews, then... well... yeah, actually, perhaps you SHOULD stop reading because you'll probably actually LIKE this wretched flick).

On with the reviewing...



1. I hate MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING. Hate it. You are welcome to crucify me Mel-Gibson-style for saying as much, since apparently everyone else in the world is toting a big fat boner over this flick. Why do I hate it? Well, 'cause it's like every other shitty-ass "ugly"-girl gets the guy wedding movie ever made BUT since it's about Greek folk, apparently it's the second coming. Funny thing is, almost EVERY person I talk to who likes this movie always says, "Well, it SOOOO captures what Greek families are like--it's so funny that way." And almost EVERY person I talk to who says this is--of course--not from a Greek family but has a friend of a friend of a friend who has a Greek family, so of course they're an expert. *Eyeroll* Anyways, even moreso than that, I'm just annoyed by the fact that this... THIS... is the biggest-grossing independent film. All it is is Hollywood in sheep's clothing, an indie movie whoring itself up to mainstream viewers. Why am I ranting about this? Well, because the chick from MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING (Nia Vardalos) is the lead in this piece of crap... er... CONNIE AND CARLA movie. And I don't like her.

2. Um, how many movies are there gonna be where individuals witness mob murders and then run off to disguise themselves to hide out from the mobsters? I'm guessing since they milked the "running off to disguise self as a nun" to death (Sister Act, Nuns on the Run), now we're in for a whole slew of drag-queen disguised chase-flicks... Recommendation to those of you who are unlucky enough to witness a mob-hit: GO TO THE POLICE FIRST before running off and disguising yourself as a drag queen or nun. Surprisingly, the police actually sometimes DO arrest the bad-guys.

3. I am extremely bothered by the following: in these "on the run from the mob" kinds of movies, the whole plot-line is put into motion by an individual getting bumped at the beginning of the movie and the main characters witnessing the murder. CONNIE AND CARLA is no exception. *AND YET* we are whipped into a playful, light-hearted comedy where the main characters never think back again on the fact that they've a) failed to report the murder to the police and b) they're having all this jubilant fun BECAUSE OF the fact that this individual got murdered. What's even more disturbing is that the murder pretty much gets swept under the rug to make room for love-stories and drag-queen revelations and us learning that we're all the same deep down inside. By the end of the movie, the gloriously sickeningly sweet end, the murder has faded so far into the background that it's become a moral blackhead, nothing more.

4. This movie is one lengthy, nauseating, after-school special. Lessons we're supposed to have learned:

IT'S MOST IMPORTANT TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF,

EAT WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT, LADIES,

MEN SHOULDN'T CONTROL YOUR LIFE,

IF YOU KEEP FORGING AHEAD WITH YOUR DREAMS (DESPITE MOB MURDERS AND OTHER THINGS THAT THROW YOU FOR A LOOP), THERE'S NO DOUBT YOU'LL ACHIEVE THEM,

DRAG QUEENS ARE PEOPLE TOO.

5. We are made to assume that the lead-male (David Duchovny--Oh, Fox Mulder, why oh why did you and your foxy-self stoop so low as to do this film?!?) actually has a spark of sexual/love-interest in Connie the drag queen, that he actually might be feeling a little tight in the pants for an alleged GUY! DUN DUN DUNNNNN. This part coulda actually been kinda intriguing if they went with it a bit. But of course they didn't. Anyways, at one point Connie the alleged man KISSES Duchovny and he makes a disgusted face and runs off into the night. Ok. For a male who's afraid of his own sexuality, perhaps this is understandable. But it's only once Connie reveals that her tits are REAL, that she IS actually a woman, that he follows through on these urges and the audience of drag-queens cheers him on... Now, in a movie that's so intent on getting its audience to see that, yes, drag queens are people too, it's kind of annoying that the lead male's love only becomes valid once Connie's TRUE identity is revealed--then we can say, Oh, now it makes sense--he was attracted to her simply because he could SENSE her femaleness all along, not because perhaps perhaps sexuality might be a complicated thing and he mighta actually BEEN attracted to Connie the alleged male.

6. Minor mobster who is sent to find Connie and Carla and kill them comes to love a good showtune. There is an actual fairly-lengthy sequence where we watch the Russian mobster (I'm assuming Russian, despite the fact that the BIG-TIME mobster sounds Italian--but hey, we're embracing obvious stereotypes in this movie and showing that we're all the same deep down inside, despite race and gender and whatnot, so I suppose this makes sense) sing showtunes and joyfully bop his head back and forth along with the audience. WTF? I think this is supposed to spark some giggles in us, make us go AWWWW, that mobster ain't so bad after all despite the fact that he helped off somebody. Again, weird moral blackhead.

7. Why in these movies where two worlds clash (in this movie, it's the clash of the straight world and the drag world, but more frequently, it's the clash of the white people's world and the black people's world--see http://maddox.xmission.com/cop_movie.html for a biting commentary on this so I don't have to waste my breath) are the two worlds so very very stereotypical? I mean, CONNIE AND CARLA'S ultimate after-school lesson is that "drag queens are people too" and yet every single drag queen (and every single OTHER character in the movie) is a stereotype--none of the characters are complex at all, and even those characters who are SUPPOSED to be complex (the drag queen who's dealing with a brother who is completely uncomfortable with his sexuality and gender) are "complex" in a completely see-through, stereotypical kind of way. All the drag queens act the same throughout the movie just like all the women act the same throughout the movie. Ain't no such thing as an "individual" in these retarded, comedic love-stories.

8. I think this movie (and MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING) are supposed to actually make women feel empowered. Yeah... I'm laughing too.


Ahhhh. I could go on and on and on and on... Those of you who read this blog on a daily basis already know this. But I'll stop now, mostly just because I'm sick of thinking about this lame-ass movie so much.

ULTIMATE REVIEW: Don't see it. While in the theater, I kept looking around at everyone laughing their asses off and thinking, Sweet Jesus, am I watching a completely different movie than the rest of the audience??? One of the worst, most uninteresting, silly, unfunny movies I've seen in a REALLY REALLY long time. (And OLD SCHOOL cracks me up, so believe me, that's saying a LOT.)

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