THINGS THAT MAKE MY INTESTINES FEEL WARM & FUZZY

1. The song lyrics "Money's just something you throw off the back of a train" (Tom Waits--"The Long Way Home");

2. My maroon hoodie and its cuddliness;

3. Birdie hair;

4. Wood in old houses that looks the way wine tastes;

5. Beating boys at pool;

6. Remembering how it felt to wiggle a loose tooth;

7. The final return of sun and warmth in the spring;

8. My sister Lesle's elf dance;

9. Anything and everything halloweenie;

10. Squishing close to someone in the cold weather;

11. Ralphie on The Simpsons;

12. MC-Hammering my pants that have the elasticized bottoms;

13. Sending emails to people at work that say things like I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH M____ M_____ (our boss) in really big font and trying to time it so they open it up on their computer screen right as he's walking by;

14. Shel Silverstein books;

15. Road trippin';

16. Burrowing;

17. When someone leaves their smell on your clothes and you notice it days later when you put on that shirt and their scent's still there, loud and clear;

18. Curling up under blankets and watching tv/movies all day when you're sick and moaning to yourself every so often;

19. Robots;

20. Being caught off-guard with a kiss.





THINGS THAT MAKE MY BOWELS BOIL AND MY EYES BLEED

1. People who drive slow in the left lane;

2. The word, and usage of the word, "metrosexual";

3. SUVs;

4. The sound of people chewing;

5. Excessive neediness;

6. Large congregations of gross bugs (such as the midges at the lake, though their name IS delightful--I cannot help but think of little 1950's housewives flying about in the sky and lighting upon my sandwich);

7. Large spices that interrupt spaghetti sauce;

8. Yeast infections;

9. How you cannot control the light and the (obnoxiously loud) fan in my bathroom independently (if one is turned on, so is the other);

10. Homophobia;

11. People who judge based on appearances only;

12. Wearing maxi-pads on a hot and humid summer day;

13. Air conditioning chosen over the breeze from an open window;

14. The inevitability that someone will run into you with their shopping cart at Marc's and not apologize;

15. The deviant pubic hair left on a public toilet;

16. The feel of saliva drying on your skin;

17. Getting goosed (regardless of whom it's by);

18. Elitist folks (and yes, Eleven, I realize that yes, I am somehow in fact being elitist by passing judgment on elitist folks, but you hate old people for no good reason, so we're even);

19. When people floss disgustingly (and not carefully) so their plaque gets flung all over the place;

20. Flipping channels and accidentally stopping on some sorta eye surgery.

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