I've learned a lot of things this week and have become a better person because of it. My life will never be the same.

The things I've learned:

When you break your computer and it won't turn on and has a NRDL error (or some combination of those letters), check your disk drive and make sure there isn't a disk in there. Do NOT, I repeat DO NOT, ask any skilled computer experts what this means, fear that your computer has broken down irreparably once they tell you that many different disks need to be inserted to get it running again, sit around for two hours with no internet to surf while you're allegedly "working." CHECK THE GODDAMN DISK DRIVE AND REMOVE ALL FOREIGN OBJECTS SUCH AS PEANUT BUTTER & JELLY SANDWICHES, PUERTO RICAN FELLAS, OR RANDOM DISKS.

When you break the printer/copier at work (especially when you break it by copying pages and pages worth of Albert Goldbarth poems to share with people), it is not a good idea to run and hide and hope that no one finds out it is you. Just shut the printer/copier off FOR AT LEAST TWO MINUTES and then turn it back on. This will erase all evidence that it was poetry that fucked everything up (it's no wonder no one thinks it's valuable!), and it might even fix the printer's problems as well.

I like pizza.

"Jesus" sounds like "Cheez-its."

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