Weird-Dream Cycle

So I realized yesterday that--boys and peckish women may wanna plug their ears here--every month, the weekend right before Aunt Flo comes to visit, I have fantastically bizarre dreams. Eh, so what, you're thinking. But let me explain how bizarre this is. It's not like I've been dreaming vividly all month and the weekend right before I get my period they just happen to be a little bit more weird. I barely dream all month and then *WOOSH* the weekend before, it's like someone flipped a mental switch of sorts and my subconscious is being flooded. It's a bizarre bizarre thing, particularly because this dream-period lasts only about 3 days, exactly the 3 days of the weekend before Aunt Flo.

Anyways, this weekend my dreams consisted of the following:

My sister Lisa and I were at a large used bookstore. I looked over and noticed a fella who looked remarkably like Brad Pitt. He was kinda dirty and tousled though, and I pointed out to my sister that he kinda looked like Brad Pitt. Then up to him walked Jennifer Aniston, kinda disguised from the gawking public eye with a hat and sunglasses. She's obviously trying to be discreet and go unnoticed. My sister's face lights up and she starts shrieking, "Oh my god, it's Jennifer Aniston!!!! I can't believe IT'S JENNIFER ANISTON!!!!" I'm mortified and apologetic with Jennifer--I feel terrible because it's obvious she was trying to avoid unwanted attention and my sister's managed to draw it all to her.

My sister Lisa is walking outside the car that I'm driving down the road with my dad. There are a bunch of mascoty-looking people dressed as animals standing in the street and blocking one of the lanes.



My sister starts freaking out because she HATES people dressed as animals. She's trying to get into the car, but every time she reaches for the door-handle, I accelerate and pull a foot or two ahead of her. I grin. She screams.

I am sitting in a bathtub and some fella (presumably my boyfriend) is sitting outside of the tub talking to me. He's being real sweet and understanding with me. There's some sorta assumed lead-in to this story that is not actually part of the dream but which involves me being molested. This fella is trying to comfort me about it. All of the sudden he leans over and pins me down so my head is under the faucet. I am panicking and looking down at the swiftly rising waters of the bath. He calmly looks at me and tells me, It's better this way. You're better off dead if the only alternative is molestation. I panic and desperately try to get out of his grip. I wake up abruptly.

My friend Dave shows up at Eric's apartment to pick him up and take him to court for his divorce. However, my friend Dave refuses to take him unless he is allowed to wear his toupee (which in real life he does not own). This toupee is the most HIDEOUS toupee I've ever seen, obviously fake, the part obviously askew, the color not matching his natural color. It makes me laugh. Eric is furious.

I also have two dreams where I am Grace from Will and Grace. The first involves me in the basement of a library. I am looking to tutor some little kids but don't know how. Mischief and humor ensues. In the second, I go over to the apartment of Grace's (my) redheaded girlfriend from the show. She is having a "girls' night" at her apartment. When I go in, there are two women sitting in the living room, one of them using a vibrator on herself. The redheaded friend looks at me and says I need to expand my sexual world and try new things. I'm creeped out, especially when they roll out someone who looks like The Gimp from PULP FICTION and try to convince me to somehow use him to fulfill my sexual desires. I run back to my apartment and lock the door.

Me, Eleven, and Scatman Carothers are speed-walking for exercise. We run into a kids jungle-gym set and run through it for exercise. Afterwards, we are a bit tired out so we sit down on the corner where some teachers are showing some little kids how to do some sort of science experiments or something. About ten minutes later, Eleven and Scatman jump up and decide it's time to leave. I am sitting wedged in between a ton of little kids, so I'm having a hard time extricating myself from within them. Finally, I wade through the crowd and make it around the corner. Eleven and Scatman are already about two blocks ahead of me, fervently speed-walking. I am pissed that they didn't have the courtesy to wait for me. I start to run to catch up with them, but suddenly I'm barefoot. I get close, but then there's an enormous hill that I'm confronted with. They are still pretty far ahead. Suddenly I am in a car, perhaps a limo or cadillac of sorts. I look down on the ground of the backseat and there's a newspaper with a gangsta rapper's photo on the front. I look out the window and there the rapper is, driving by in a car. He notices me and his face fills up with rage. I suddenly intuit that I am the one who wrote that article about him and he is not pleased. He pulls out a gun and tries to shoot me but I duck and he misses. He guns it away in his car. I make it up the hill in MY car, and when I look out the window at the top, I see that both Scatman and Eleven have been shot. Screaming, I jump out of the moving car and run over. I push people away and hold Eleven's head in my arms. He has been shot in the heart and his eyes are open. He is obviously dead. I keep screaming, No, stay with me! Stay with me! You can't leave me! Stay with me! despite the fact that he's dead. Finally, I hear his voice waft in like an angel and say, I'm here, Lauren, I'm here with you. I wake up feeling AWFUL and terrified.

And finally, last night the dreams continued, though not so vividly. I dreamt that I was having razor blade fights with people that I was trying to defend myself against, one of them being Forrest Whitaker.



I'm pretty much sword-fighting essentially, but with razor blades (those ones with the long handles where the razor-tip flips out like this:)

My arm gets cut up real bad, real deep. I am nauseated at the thought of the cuts. I end up knocking the blade from his hands but can't bring myself to cut his throat. I try and try but cannot. Then my dream skips ahead into random fragments. It is some holiday and people are letting their lions out onto their rooftops for some reason. I am angry because one man has a ladder out and is forcing his lionness to climb the rickety thing to get up onto the roof. Skip ahead to me bumping into Maura and Lyndsey at some sex shop. I bump into them in line where we all realize that we are buying the same bizarre-ass sex-toy: some weird dildo/vibrator in the shape of a little witch's broom. They are on sale because Halloween is over with.

The End.

Stay tuned for Aunt Flo's Fantastical Dream Stories next month, same time, same place...

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