Why I'm Not a Fan of Riddles

1. What is the biggest building in the world?

My answer: There seems to be much debate over this, so I will offer up a couple logical possibilities (for biggest AND tallest)--Boeing appears to be one of the biggest and Taipei 101 appears to be one of the tallest.

Real answer: The library because it has most stories


2. When should you strike a match?

My answer: When you want to get it to light.

Real answer: Only when it becomes violent.



3. How many letters are in the alphabet?

Real answer: There are 11 letters in "THE ALPHABET"
Did you say 26? :)

My answer: Uh, yeah, I did say 26 b/c there ARE 26.



4. Who makes it, has no need of it.
Who buys it, has no use for it.
Who uses it can neither see nor feel it.

My answer: An invisible rubber chicken.

Real answer: Coffin.



5. It is said among my people that some things are improved by death.
Tell me, what stinks while living, but in death, smells good?

My answer: A person caked in diarrhea and vomit--once they're dead, they smell just as nasty as any other dead person. Plus, dead people can't judge based on smell, so they's got it made.

Real answer: Pig



6. What goes through the door without pinching itself?
What sits on the stove without burning itself?
What sits on the table and is not ashamed?

My answer: Any human being who a) is not neurotic, b) is careful, c) knows better than to sit on a stove that is on, and d) does not feel bad for sitting on tables. So in other words: any normal person.

Real answer: the sun



7. Whilst I was engaged in sitting
I spied the dead carrying the living.

My answer: Uh, yeah, so?

Real answer: A ship



8. Two words, my answer is only two words.
To keep me, you must give me.

My answer: Good fucking.

Real answer: Your word



9. What goes up and down the stairs without moving?

My answer: Mannequins on an escalator.

Real answer: A rug.



10. What can you catch but not throw?

My answer: I suck at catching, but I can pretty much throw anything small enough for me to pick up so: a ball, a watermelon, a pig, a baby.

Real answer: A cold



11. You use a knife to slice my head and weep beside me when I am dead. What am I?

My answer: Any human being that you love and murder in a fit of insanity only to subsequently return to a normal state of sanity where you realize what you've done.

Real answer: An onion.



12. I give you a group of three. One is sitting down and will never get up. The second eats as much as is given to him, yet is always hungry. The third goes away and never returns. What are they?

My answer: A dead person, a man with a tapeworm, and somebody who is sick of having to socialize with a dead person and a man with a tapeworm.

Real answer: A stove, fire, and smoke.



13. What goes up a chimney down but not down a chimney up?

My answer: Santa. A ghost. Smoke.

The real answer: An umbrella.



14. A box without hinges, key or lid, yet golden treasure inside is hid.

My answer: An open box that just doesn't happen to have a lid or hinges for the absent lid or a key b/c it's open anyways so why the hell make a key for it... and gold inside. perhaps not the best way of hiding gold from people, but then again, the same person who stores this gold probably thinks it amusing to stuff umbrellas in chimneys, so it seems fitting.

Real anwer: An egg.

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