Unspoken Thanks

So many varieties:

the kind that lies silent because to say thanks, to show the slightest nod of gratitude, would be to hopelessly embarrass the other person (and/or yourself);

the kind of seething wistfulness and nostalgia;

the kind of missed opportunity;

the kind you avoid speaking because to say it would require way more of an explanation than anyone really wants to hear;

the kind that you just plain-old didn't get the chance to say;

the kind that you hold so close to your heart that to speak it would be to destroy it.

And so a bit of random thanks:

For the time you were drunk and thus in an uncharacteristic mood of absolute frankness, so you wrapped your arms around me and said, "I miss you"--like winning the lottery, three words I'd never expected you to 'fess up to and which I'm sure you'd deny viciously if you haven't already blocked them out of your memory.

For a shared bed flecked with crunchy bodies of lady bugs and the closeness of good friends.

For the hand squeezing affectionately and teasingly just a little too high up above my knee just when I needed to be reminded that I can be wanted and desired.

For holding me without expecting anything else.

For trusting me enough to let me into the closely-guarded mysteriousness that is your home, your life, your secrets.

For being there for me to look up to and grittily admire, despite the fact that you're younger than me but (thankfully) oftentimes much wiser.

For risking your life to help push my car to the shoulder on I-480 when my car broke down and I was trapped inside like a sardine.

For playing along, just to make things easier on my end.

For the infinite fantastic and gut-breaking mixes.

For the child-like smittenness of notes written on paper-plates.

For playing the role of my protective brother.

For stopping on a frigidly cold night (cold enough that I had to lend you my stretch-gloves) to help my friend Perky change her flat tire.

For that first poem you ever wrote about me and how it made me blush and feel scared yet excited all rolled into one.

For renewing my lame romantic indulgence in the idea of fate.

For leaving me with cute, sweet, heart-breaking memories of you chewing in your sleep.

For that song that filtered its way into my apartment for two days, and for the opportunity to finally get to see you break your way into the daylight.

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