"Wrong? What could be wrong with our child, Robert?"
When I was younger, I used to think I was bad luck. I'm not quite sure why this was, probably mainly because I seemed to notice weird or bad things happening around me that I attributed to being a consequence of my proximity. Illogical? Probably so. There's a billion and one bad or weird things that any given person sees on an annual basis. But then again, I also thought you could only see bridges when you were driving on them. So I wasn't the most logical of children.
Confessions of a Damien Child
The Zoo Episode:
When I was little, very little, my parents decided to be nice, kind, lovely parents and take their wee daughter to the Akron zoo. While we were standing in front of one of the predatorial cat's cages, the two tigers/panthers/something predatorial and cat-like began to mate. Parents dragged off their puzzled kids. Not unusual, I know now. However, within an hour, we are standing in front of a couple cages of bears. In one cage, there is a small, baby kinda bear. In the other cage is a big and mean-looking bear. The small baby bear is obviously feeling playful and keeps poking at the big bear's cage. It pokes. It bobbles around. It pokes some more. It shakes the fencing. It wobbles. It makes noises at the bear. Suddenly the large bear very calmly and swiftly reaches under the fencing separating the two and grabs the little bear by the scruff. He then drags the squealing bear underneath the fencing, the rough edges gouging his furry hide. Once on the other side, the large bear begins to whip the baby bear back and forth, beating him into the ground and ripping off either a limb or its head (I can't remember exactly which), leaving the baby dead and bloody on the ground. All this happens in a matter of seconds. My parents and other parents all gawk in completely amazed horror. My parents tell me that through it all, I am looking completely obliviously at some birds in a bush nearby.
That Whole Gun Episode:
Read here for a refresher.
The Pier Saga:
Back early on in high school, Becky, my best friend at the time, decided she was gonna drag me along on vacation to Florida with her family. Never having BEEN on vacation, I was thrilled. We spent the week sun-bathing, bopping around to little souvenir shops, etc. Towards the end of the week, her parents dragged us out to some pier with them. We stood around, watching the beautiful view of the ocean. Folks were fishing. Little kids were playing. Lovers were embracing each other. I leaned and the rail and let the salty wind catch my hair. A couple little kids were chasing each other--playing tag or something--behind me. They were giggling and having a blast. The one little kid comes running towards me, looking over his shoulder and laughing at the little boy who's chasing him, and--RUNS STRAIGHT OFF THE PIER. He's literally an arm's length away from me but there's nothing I can do. He is the exact right height to run beneath one of the protective wooden railings and he is now doing a Wile Coyote mid-air next to me. His legs pump in the air and then he drops straight down--and what a drop it is. This is an ENORMOUS pier, so he flails about in the air for at least 20 feet until he hits the water. People are too shocked to react, and then suddenly it's all screams and pandemonium. A couple guys tear off their jackets and leap over the edge. The little boy is floating on his back, his face and body submerged in the water, his mouth making fish-like movements, as he stares up at me, slowly running out of oxygen. Luckily the two men grab him and are able to pull him out of the water before he drowns.
The Infamous Squirrel Incident:
I'm walking to class down in Athens, a typical early-morning routine. This particular day the sky is a fierce blue and the sun is shining. It catches the dew just right, making it sparkle like jewels. I'm humming to myself and the day's not looking too bad. There's a bit of a bounce in my step. Everyone I pass is cheery. The scent of spring fills the air. I get to a grassy area that I trek across every day, and there's cute little squirrels frolicking all around. I smile and cut across. One lone squirrel is perched in front of me, holding a nut. I praise the day for being so lovely. The birds are singing. The flowers are smiling and blowing in the breeze. The squirrel pauses as I near it. I grin. Slowly, it turns its head towards me to reveal THAT IT ONLY HAS ONE EYE. *Cue the tubular bells from John Carpenter's HALLOWEEN* Its other eye is completely disfigured and I swear I can see it smirking at me. Blood red clouds move in on the sun. The air picks up and is as sharp as a knife blade. I hang my head knowing this ain't gonna be a good day.
When the Jews return to Zion
And a comet fills the sky
And the Holy Roman Empire rises,
Then You and I must die.
From the eternal sea he rises,
Creating armies on either shore,
Turning man against his brother
'Til man exists no more.
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