*Clicking Smelly Grey Slippers*

So lately I've been in a kind of a funk. Nah. Not so much a funk. Moreso the kind of feeling that comes with trying to scale a really damn big wall that, each time you near the top, shoots up about 10 feet higher. The kind of feeling that those ambulance guys must get in the movies when they're wailing down the street and then suddenly catch that oh-my-god last-second glimpse of two guys carrying a sheet of plate glass across the street with them and, before they can even think to slam on the brakes, *SMASH* and the world erupts into tiny droplets of glass. The kind where I feel like Dorothy, finally having nabbed those damn ruby-slippers. And with a soft smile on my face I click the heels together once, twice, three times and wake up in Kansas. And then all of the sudden I realize, what the hell? It's all black & white here and about five minutes ago I was draped in technicolor. What was I thinking? The wizard isn't a wizard anymore but some sad carnie from down the road. The lion is just some grey-washed hog-herder. Even the wicked witch, the one I feared and who made me quiver in my little tiny dress, is nothing more than that sad old cat-lady who lives at the end of everyone's street. Everything that sparkled and shined in the sweet light of the yellow bricks is now harsh and flat and grey like the onset of age.

It's like I finally hit that wall that says, "By God, you're an adult now." And I hit it hard. And the weird thing is, I thought I'd run into it about 15 times already, but this time I REALLY slammed into it head-on.

It just really sucks, because I feel like I've run into this *HUGE* turning point in my life, but it's not something that anyone else is really aware of (or if they ARE aware of it, I don't think they realize to what extent it's affecting me). I think people are noticing changes in attitude with me--I'm much more cranky, much more moody, much more brutally honest, much more quiet and anti-social, etc. etc. And it sucks because I can't really control it. And the circumstances are not something I can really share with others folks (or would WANT to share with other folks at that). But it's like suddenly having a cloud drop from the sky to hover two feet over your head... ALWAYS... Never not there. And everyone else SEES it but kinda is just too afraid to say something about it. And like Dorothy, you've kinda made that rite of passage, but you suddenly realize that GODDAMMIT you wanna go back to that sparkle and shine. And being back to the black & white world is gonna do you in. And that's the thing--it's not just ONE cataclysmic event that drags this black & white taint around with it. That grey has seeped into EVERYTHING. You don't look at your friends quite the same anymore, your circumstances... They all have that weird gray-wash to them. It's like suddenly EVERYthing looks different, like you're reading a book with a completely different set of mental tools. Like someone pulled the wool over your eyes a long time ago, and it's only NOW starting to come off.

And it's not fun.

It's weird and pivotal and deserves some sorta designation--BC, AC, something like that--to remind me of that demarcation of how things were and how things will be forever more.

Wow, I sound weird and cryptic and melodramatic.

I feel like I should be made outta stone and shooting beams of light outta my eyes, like the sphinx-oracles in The Neverending Story or something. Heh heh.

Anyways, it's been a weird and difficult month and a half. Even weirder and more difficult than a year or so ago when I broke up with my boyfriend of about 7-8 years.

And with some folks it makes the feverish connection we share burn even brighter, all kerosene lanterns and lightning bugs, lighthouse beacons beckoning you back to shore.

With others I've sorta just been feeling lost at sea, as if I've drifted far off course and know in my heart that I might never find my way back, may be left adrift at sea until my sun-parched form drops beneath the waves.

Some are there to take on the trials and tribulations with me, and some are standing on the shore, waving to me, teary-eyed and loving and tossing me some final goodbyes.

The shit in my life has made me realize one thing though: it has made me realize who my real friends are. And it's made me realize that I have to start really gung-hoing that belated New Year's Resolution I made ever so long ago. I need to stop giving and giving and giving to those who only take. I need to free some of that up for those who are DESERVING.

And if this reeks with the stench of some sorta attitude of moral superiority, I apologize. Because that's not what it is at all. Those people who are waving at me from shore ARE teary-eyed and loving. And I love them in return, wholeheartedly.

It's just that recent events have made me realize that I give in an unhealthy sorta way sometimes, and I need to curb that habit. Which doesn't mean I WON'T continue to be giving, but I think it would do me good to be a wee bit more reticent (see, Adam--you taught me something!) and careful in doing so. To not always be putting myself out there and leaving myself so easily exposed. To not always being there for other folks who, when I need it in return, have mysteriously up and vanished in a cloud of smoke. To not devote so much energy to other people who take it for granted or don't even notice it in the first place--a mistake that's been my downfall oh so many times. Abiding by this resolution will be infinitely more healthy for ME and for those OTHER folks in my life.

Writing this down again, giving it anchor, will hopefully allow me to forge ahead even more resolutely. And will maybe help me understand things a bit more clearly myself--what I need to do and what has been done.

I am writing not for you this time, my dear readers, but for myself and only myself.

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