The Potato-Head Series

Scrounging through a folder of old emails, I stumbled across a handful that I'd saved and totally forgotten about: my Potato-Head Series.



About a year or so ago, my friend Dave gave me his Mr. Potato-Head to entertain myself with at work. One excruciating day of boredom, I decided to set up Mr. Potato-Head at his keyboard so he'd find him "typing" when he got into work in the morning. I then opened an account under the name "Mister Potato-Head" and sent him a threatening letter.

This amused me to no end.

So then I decided to start emailing other friends from my Mr. Potato-Head account, under the guise of actually BEING Mr. Potato-Head. Most people had no clue it was me. And most people just ignored me outta frustration. But I DID get a few fun responses.

Enjoy...

Conversation #1:

Mr. P-H:

g'morning, mr. h_____ [dave].

just wanted to say thanks for letting me borrow your computer last evening. hope you had a good one.

mr. p-h


Recipient:

Dear Mr. Head:

You're more than welcome to borrow my computer whenever you need to.
Don't forget to play with the other inhabitants of the cube while you're here--Yo-Yo, Buddy Blood Drop, and ENFLEX ("Beanbag") Frog. The pumpkin, whom we affectionately refer to as "The Pumpkin," is probably going to be leaving soon to serve as autumnal holiday decor, so take advantage of your opporunity.
Hope you had a nice time, too.

--dfh

P.S. Having written all this, it occurs to me that you're in the cube all the time, so why am I encouraging you to play with the rest of 'em while you're here? But I can't think of another humorous tack, so this one will have to suffice.


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Conversation #2:

Mr. P-H:

don't think i don't know what you've been up to with mrs. potato-head. you best keep your hands to yourself, or i'll be on you like a fly on shit...

sincerely,
mr. p-h


Recipient:

who are you and why do you torture me?


Mr. P-H:

I'm Mr. Potato-Head. What exactly is confusing you about this?


Recipient:

the fact that you are a fool has nothing to do with who you are.....
fool.


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Conversation #3:

Mr. P-H:

Hello there, J____.

Just wanted to drop you an email and say howdy since we haven't chatted in a while. Heard you ran into the Mrs. a few days ago. In case you haven't heard, we separated about a month ago--she came home one night without one of her ears, and I knew something was up. Turns out she was sleeping around with G.I. Joe and some of his commandos. Slut. Anyways, I hope things are better on your end. Send me an email when you have some time to spare and let me know what's new in your life.

Take care of yourself.
Mr. P-H


Recipient:

Mr. P.H....

Ahh, my old friend. I have been meaning to get back in touch with you, but have been too preoccupied with my messy life to do so.... I am thankful that you took up my slack.

I have been ok. Currently, I am eating pretzels and drinking a peach papaya flavored "Fruit Works" beverage that I purchased at a rest area near Youngstown. 5% JUICE!

I am sorry to hear about the separation with the Mrs., however it provides me with a good opportunity to tell you something that I've been meaning to -- I slept with your wife several times back in the early 80s, we did all sorts of crazy shit: blumpkins, anal, amyl nitrates, an angry dragon or two, etc... I'm sorry, I hope you'll forgive me.

That's all for now -- hang in there, buddy!

~J___



Mr. P-H:

Ah, it surely is good to hear your voice again, old friend. It's been much too long. When was the last time? Hmm... Ah, yes. I remember: you, me, that bottle of Jaigermeister, the two ladies from down the street, and Jimmy. It's amazing that the swingset is still in one piece. Good times. Good times.

I am sorry to hear that your life is so messy these days. Mine was as well for awhile, but I am now dating that cute little tart that you used to have a thing for. You know, the one you used to work with at one of your many past jobs. She's a thrill and a half in the sack, let me tell you. Too bad you didn't nab her first.

And since we're airing our dirty laundry, friend, I must also confess that I engaged in a little bit of "the nasty" with your girlfriend C_____ less than a week ago. Just me, C_______, my lovely underage lady-friend Skipper, a buttplug or two, and ten-gallons of fun. I begged C______ to give you an invite as well (as you know, they say "three's always better than four") but she declined. Next time, old friend, next time.

Well, I must run. No hard feelings...

Take care of yourself.
Mr. P-H


And apparently the One F-Man IS as lame as me... So continues the Mr. P-H Saga...


Recipient:

Hellooo! Again! Helloooo!

Aren't we funny! Aren't we so very funny? I think we are!

Do you remember when your ex(?)-wife came home with a handful of bloody gauze and a chirping noise coming from her genitals? That was my doing. She begged me for it. I win.

In other news -- I'm stoned, horny, and drunk right now. Happy Labor Day!

Hey, Mr. PH... you still gots them hemmorhoids? They was HOT, with a capital T! Tssss....

Hope this finds you well, and free of strife...
~J___


Mr. P-H:

Stoned, horny, and drunk and I wasn't even invited? For shame, Mr. T____, for shame. Sounds like you could use some good ol' potato-lovin' right about now... Shall we plan another tumble in the (potato)sack like we used to in the good ol' days? And shall I bring my cute little office tart along for a threesome?

Whatsay we meet next Friday? My hemmorhoids have each been throbbing for your touch for quite some time now... 9:30? Your place?


Recipient:

I ate some french fries tonight, I'm so sorry. I thought of you while I ate them, but it didn't sour the deliciousness as you said it would. I dipped them in ketchup and before I ate them I said things like "This is Mr. Potato Head's ass!" and "This is Mr. Potato Head's stomach!"... no use. If anything it made the french fries all the more delicious.

Here's something that I never got around to asking you: do you have any relatives (besides your TASTY wife), and if so what do you call them? Surely they couldn't all be "Mr. Potato Head" -- how did you score such a seemingly desirable "main" name. Do you think it'd be strange if I were called "Mr. Human Being" or "Mr. Man" or "Mr. Hair on Head"? I think you would... I think you'd fucking freak out if I were called any of those things.

As to seeing you next Friday at 9:30 at my place, I think that I will probably be working until about 11 or 12, after which I will be available. I will bring salt.

What do you eat?
~J_____


Mr. P-H:

How many times must we have this conversation, friend? Yes, the Potatoheads have a monopoly on the market of great first-names. The ex-wife's "Mrs". but she's thinking of changing her name back to "Miss". (Bitch.) Then there's my father--Captain Potatohead. My mother--Mom Potatohead. My uncle--Sir Fucks-A-Lot Potatohead. My brother--Ten-inch Potatohead. My sister--Sweet Pussy Potatohead. And, well... you get the picture.

And though I am a bit distraught that you've gone back to eating potato again, I must also admit that, now that I've gotten rid of the ol' ball and chain (who had me on a strict humanarian diet), I've fallen off the wagon and taken to eating an occasional sweet potato or two (if you know what I mean)...

But with regard to next Friday, anything hot, thick, and juicy will do just fine. And seeing as you've got that whole 5 inches of hot, thick, juiciness, what more will we need? And I'll be sure to bring along my detachable blue cap, my detachable asshole, and my detachable 10-inch shlong (ah, how you used to love them)...

See you next Friday.

Mr P-H


Mr. P-H:

Just wanted to wish you an early Happy Thanksgiving, and remind you to spare all my brothers and sisters on Thursday, this holiest of days...

Kindly,

Mr. P-H

PS. See you next Friday when we will mash our potatoes...


Recipient:

I thought it was THIS Friday (it was next Friday last week). Please inform.

All my love,
~J___


Mr. P-H:

My bad, love. It IS in fact this Friday that we will meet for our little rendezvous. I'll see you at 12:00? Be sure to wear that cute little red lacy thing that you always used to traipse around the house in (the one with the fishnet-tights). See you then...

Your Hot Potato,

Mr. P-H


Recipient:

I would like to meet, if only to find out who's behind this. When?

I turn 29 on Wednesday, but you already knew that, didn't you? I'm not happy about getting older, but I'm growing to accept it in a really drunk sort of way.

Dinner time.

~J____


Mr. P-H:

Hey, lush.

Not to burst your bubble, but you're getting all excited about my identity, and it's not really gonna be that exciting of a revelation. You're just gonna end up kicking yourself in the ass. I mean, I'm a spud and nothing more. You've seen me a billion times with my detachable glasses, nose, eyes, mouth, black dress hat, rubbery appendages, etc. So what exactly are you expecting?

Anyways, time and place to meet will be forthcoming. Maybe I'll leave you hanging and wait until AFTER the holidays to disappoint you.

And hot damn!! You're almost thirty! Bring forth the hard liquor.

Snowed in,

Mr. P-H


Recipient:

Ok, Lauren.


Mr. P-H:

Hee hee hee. Keep guessing, my friend. I know it's just eating away at you. I can picture the vein pulsing in your forehead right now. If you guess right, I'll tell you. Then again, maybe not.

Kindly,

Mr. P-H

PS. Is this Lauren a sweet piece of ass? If so, do you think she might be up for a little action with me and my office tart? If there's even the remotest of possibilities, pass along her information please.


Mr. P-H:

My bad, love. It IS in fact this Friday that we will meet for our little rendezvous. I'll see you at 12:00? Be sure to wear that cute little red lacy thing that you always used to traipse around the house in (the one with the fishnet-tights). See you then...

Your Hot Potato,

Mr. P-H


Recipient:

PH...

Should I really be at home on Friday at midnight? I'd hate to leave work early to meet you only to be let down and then pissed off.

(I thought I knew who this was, but it has recently come to my attention that I was wrong... now I am confused.)

Hope you're well...
~J___


Mr. P-H:

Well, shit, sweet-potato. I didn't realize you were serious about the whole "Friday rendezvous"-thang (seeing as the offer came from a "Mr. Potatohead" and all), so I'm sorry if you were all dressed up in your cute lil' red lingerie, lights turned low, swirling a tiny bit of red wine around in your glass only to be disappointed by my absence. Maybe we can meet for a drink one evening instead or something...

Anyways, my cute little office tart and I had a swinging Thanksgiving and I hope you did the same. Did you get to spend time with that crazy sister of yours? (Tell her Mr. Potatohead sends his love--actually tell her "The Big One" sends his love; she'll know what I mean.)

Hope to hear from you soon,

Mr. P-H

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