They Suck

Last night I watched what very well may be *THE* worst movie I've EVER seen (it even put Van Helsing to shame):



Yes, perhaps I should've known when I realized that there were at least three crappy television actors in it... And Tone Loc.

But I gave it the benefit of the doubt. Because, at least with horror movies, sometimes the ones you least expect to be good surprise you. Ginger Snaps, for example, has one of the lamest-looking dvd covers, but it's a FANTASTICALLY creepy and smart horror movie. And other really lame-looking horror movies have at least been so bad that they were actually really funny and in the end were totally worth watching (Jack Frost, for example).

They Crawl, however, did NOT manage to redeem itself.

The plotline is as follows:

A brother returns home from the military and finds out from his family that something weird's going on with his brother--he's isolated himself and gotten strange. As he heads over there to talk to him, he finds out that his brother's apartment has exploded, he's dead, and the police are blaming it on him being a meth dealer. The brother of course realizes that "Bean" (the alleged meth dealer who is actually a GENIUS) was messed up in something more... something involving... a prototype for cockroaches and government conspiracy. Craziness ensues.

Now granted, I knew that the movie had SOMETHING to do with cockroaches. They're on the cover. And a lot of times, animal/bug-themed horror movies suck the worst of them all. But then again, sometimes they surprise you (The Birds, for example). But in this movie, the cockroaches were IDIOTIC. I could've done a much better job animating them, and I know NOTHING about computer-animation. And they tried to instill within you (as all horror movies do) that startling realization that the fear is universal--that if 90% of the living planet (which consists of bugs) were to fall under the control of human beings, God only knows what would become of the planet!

And yet, sweet Jesus, I don't think I've ever sat through a whole horror movie without ever being frightened. The universality of cockroachish fears didn't do it. There were no random jump-in-your-seat moments. There wasn't even any over-the-top blood and gore, and if you're not gonna give us either of the first two, at least indulge us with some blood and gore! In fact, there were barely any moments that HAD the actual cockroaches in them. The movie begins with a bus-driver being attacked by a single roach which sends him crashing through traffic and buildings and fountains and whatnot. And then we don't see a cockroach again for a very long time. In fact, 80% of the movie is cockroach free and submits to the plotline of a very very weak and meally-muscled X-Files episode.

It unravels into some lame-ass plot about government bug-conspiracy. And it suffers an even WORSE case of completely-sporadic bug attacks that would put Van Helsing to shame as well. In the climax of the movie (if you could call it that), our two "heroes" battle it out in a warehouse, trying to defeat the bad guy while keeping from being eaten by cockroaches. However, the cockroaches apparently only have a taste for non-heroic flesh because the heroes never really even have to dodge them. At one point, the male hero bats away THRONGS of them as he realizes that the female heroine may have been consumed by them, dodging them all the while. But then the camera pulls back to reveal that the heroine is safely dangling from some sorta pulley. And they are reunited. Despite the fact that moments ago there were throngs of cockroaches teeming right next to them which, for no apparent reason, have suddenly vanished so they could reuinite successfully.

The climactic scene (please stop reading if you ever plan on seeing this) is when all the cockroaches come together to form one giant cockroach, 30+ feet tall. What point this served, other than to show their COMPLETE lack of talent when it comes to computer-graphics, I have no idea. El grande cucaracha is exploded in a ball of flames from a gas-tanker which just happens to be sitting nearby with the key in the ignition. The whole warehouse goes up in flames, and yet our two heroes are unharmed.

Go figure!

I could bitch about a million more lame-ass things in the movie--the HORRIBLE TERRIBLE acting, for example, or the fact that an attempt at having a bad-ass female cop heroine is SO fucking lame that she made me want to remove my uterus and never have anything to do with it again. But I won't.

The point is don't see this movie. It's beyond bad. Rent The Birds or something instead if you're looking for a nature-fights-back horror movie. Or make your OWN cockroach movie. It couldn't possibly be any worse.

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