Eyeballs, Insomnia, and Bizarre Bazaars

It creeps me out sometimes that when you shut your eyes, all you're really doing is staring intently at the insides of your eyelids.

I mean, you get that illusion that you've shut yourself off from the rest of the world, that you aren't focusing in on any visual stimuli, but all that's really happening is that your eyelids are pressed tight against two eyes that are staring super-intently at a blurry and dark close-up of the inside of these two fleshy curtains.

Weird.

These are the kind of things that are keeping me up 'til all hours of the night lately. Not pondering the whos, whats, or wheres, but just zooming through my mind like some smoke-heaving racecar.

Ah, insomnia.

Lately at night my mind is becoming this big ol' carp that just keeps flip-flopping around at the bottom of the boat for hours, not wanting to just give up and shut down.

I don't think about anything important or interesting in those minutes or hours before I fall asleep really. My brain just free-associates from topic to topic and back again, like some drunkard stumbling along a rocky incline.

Last night thankfully I took my very last muscle relaxant--I've been having neck pains all week and finally decided to suck it up and take the last of my last pills. They are glorious and just knock me out. So thankfully, my brain didn't put up a fight for too long.

But lately, my brain will just *NOT* quiet down on its own. It just cycles and cycles and cycles through a multitude of thoughts. Last night they varied from things like what punch I should make for when I have some friends over on the 18th to the pronunciation of "bizarre" vs. "bazaar" (Do you pronounce both the same, or do we just do it out of laziness? Are you supposed to pronounce the former "bih-zar" and the latter "buh-zar"? etc. etc.).

And it doesn't even give up when sleep finally grabs hold--it just keeps on thinking in the form of bizarre dreams that tiptoe around in my head, unguided by my waking self, taunting me.

I still think a trepanning really could do me some good.

Then, as I was drifting off to sleep finally last night, I noticed that little bursts of light, little flashes of it, were firing in the outskirts of my closed eyes. Before I tumbled into the dark regions of my unconscious, I had the thought that maybe what I was seeing were the synapses firing in my brain, a heat lightning-storm of thoughts rumbling across the corners of my eyes as my brain tried to slow itself down and drift into the gray-green aftermath of its usual thought-storm.

It was strange but somehow comforting.

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