Tedium is the Apple of Thine Eye

Four and a half long hours to go.

It is difficult to eat salad in a pretty manner.

Today I will talk about why apples are a rather disappointing fruit.



1) They are not of any interesing or vibrant color--think and admire in your mind's eye the delicate beauty of the raspberry or the watermelon.

2) They are not of any interesting or unique shape--think and admire in your eye's mind the star fruit or even something as simple but stately as the banana.

3) They are not of any interesting or sensual feel or consistency--think and admire in your brown eye the creamy sensuality of a perfectly ripe avocado or the drippingly erotic bite of a strawberry or even the fuzzy pubicness of a peach. Stroke it, yes. Just like that.

4) They are not of any interesting name--think and admire in the one remaining eye that has not been poked out with my steaming hot cattleprod such names as the feijoa, the jaboticaba, the loquat, or the lovely and musical name of the pepino dulce. Then say "apple"--see how it falls from your lips like a carp that has been flattened by the large wheels of a garbage truck hauling dead bodies to a morgue.

And yet, why do we embrace you, o apple? O fruit of the working class? O solid standby, o after-school snack, o fruit to give to thy teacher when you want to sleep with them? Why do you keep the doctors away? Why did you get Eve into all that trouble? What is your mystery, o appley one?

Will we ever know?

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