My Rating System

Back in the day, Hobo Bezumkins and I were at Virginia Beach, sitting in the open window-front of a bar, watching the hordes of tourists wander by on the strip. We got bored, got drunk, and decided it would be fun and interesting for both of us if we sat and rated folks' attractiveness level as they walked by.

Shallow. Mindbogglingly shallow. But magnificently entertaining.

As time has progressed, and as I've had other folks accompany me in brief ratings-spats, my rating system has developed and morphed some. Its current manifestation is as follows*:

The rating system is on a scale of 1 to 10.

Folks rarely get less than a 5 (actually, a 3) simply because I think that's kinda mean.

Dogs automatically get at least a 5, no doubt. I mean, ALL dogs are fricking cute in that oblivious, bumbly, dog-like way. Even the little hideous twitchy mangy ones have that cuteness somewhere in there, so it's hard to rate them any less than this.

A 10 is only received by someone who is so mind-blowingly hot that your bowels and bladder loosen themselves at the mere sight of them. 10s are very very rare to come by.

Most folks fall in the range of 6-8.

Rating children is just intended to be funny. If you actually take it seriously and give some child a "Smoking 9" or something and everyone stares at you in horror, remember that for future games. Pedo.

Automatic +1 for someone who has numerous tatts, particular on the lower arms (what can I say--I'm a sucker for 'em).

Automatic +1 for boys with shaggy Strokes-like hair. I have yet to figure out why I'm such a sucker for this, but automatic +1 nonetheless. *sniffling*

Automatic +1 for older women who are smoking pipes.

Automatic -1 for someone who is obnoxiously loud.

Automatic -1 for someone who is talking obliviously on a cellphone while a) with someone who looks saddened and bored b/c said person is wrapped up in their cellphone conversation sitting with them, b) driving, c) talking exagerratedly loud so that other people can follow their conversation and allegedly find them cooler b/c of what they are talking about.

Automatic -1 for a person who is clearly trying to show off their wealth by driving really fancy cars, wearing really fancy jewelry, and smoking cigars, especially if all are done simultaneously.

Automatic -1 for chicks who are ho-ed up with tons of makeup and the shortest of pooter-revealing skirts in order to impress guys.

Automatic -1 for pretty boys who CLEARLY spend more time on their hair than I do.

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*These are all the guidelines I can currently think of. I will add more to my comments section as they come to me.

**IMPORTANT: Never ever ever fall prey to rating friends/significant others even if they ask you, beg you, and refuse to take no for an answer--no matter WHAT number you give them, they will not be happy with it and you will end up putting foot in mouth and nibbling on your kinda gross corns (that you really should take care of already--ever heard of a pedicure?).

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