Pigpen

This week has been a filthy filthy week. And not in any kinda fun "bow chicka bow wow" kinda filthy way.

The heatwave is making my apartment a stinkbeast.

And combining that with the fact that I've been trying to scrub shit down for when I have people over on Saturday, I've been one helluva sneezing, heaving, sweaty stinkbeast these past few days as well.

Tuesday I dragged my window air conditioner downstairs from my loft to try to wedge in the kitchen window so that Saturday's party-goers might have SOME respite from the heat. The a/c was caked in birdshit. And, like all air conditioners, it was ridiculously awkward to carry. Especially down a spiral staircase. Quickly I was caked in birdshit as well. I started to bring it down once and then relented once sweat started spilling off me and down the stairs like Niagara Falls, thinking it'd probably be best to wait until I had a second pair of hands to help. But as I am a bit obsessive at times (and my bare stomach and arms were already smeared with the aforementioned old sweaty birdshit), I figured I might as well suck it up and drag it down.

The a/c was about a fraction of an inch smaller than the width of my spiral staircase, so it would get wedged in the rungs at every step. I was sweating in pools which were swirling and mixing filthily with the poopies all over the damn thing. Step. Stop. De-wedge. Step. Stop. Dewedge. This went on for a couple minutes (minus one mishap which almost resulted in me falling off the staircase) until I finally made it to the bottom, completely caked in dusty poopie filth.

This is how much I love you, my friends.

Yesterday, I got a burst of energy and decided that it was the night to scrub every inch of my apartment clean, from bathroom to kitchen to living room to bedroom. I have not one but TWO exposed brick chimneys in my apartment which leave a fine silt of brick caking everything nearby. So I went through WAY too many rags dusting. And the dusting resulted in a barrage of girly-sneezes--more often than not lately, my sneezes actually CONTAIN the word "achoo" in them. This should not be the case as only cartoon characters should sneeze like this.

I was pretty much a fire hydrant of sweat all night, vacuuming off rugs and carpeting and pillows in my loft bedroom which is about 300 degrees hotter than the rest of the apartment. I also scrubbed birdshit out of my bedroom window finally--I'd been avoiding touching it for as long as possible.

I walked around in my bra the whole time while cleaning--I'm waiting for the day my neighbor's wife comes over and accuses me of trying to seduce her man by walking around my apartment half-clothed all the time. It should be soon I'm sure. I was a massive swirl of dirt and dust and sweat and Windex-stench and mop-goop and if someone had grabbed me with both hands, I surely would've shot out from their grasp like some lubed-up wiener or something, that's how gross and greasy I was.

And after it was all over with and I sighed myself happy beneath a nice beam of shower-water, there were black footprints all over the bottom of my bathtub, as though my shower were a dance-instructor's studio.

I am now officially clean. For the time being. At least as clean as a "dirty hippie" can be.

We'll see how long that lasts.

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