My Buddhist Nightmare: Random Sidenote

So one of the first things I noticed in the Michfest program is that they have a workshop called BUDDHIST MEDITATION PRACTICE which states that you will learn a bit about Buddhist meditation and then practice meditating. I'm all about meditating and, having never done any BUDDHIST meditation, am curious to find out what it's all about.

So I drag my ass out of bed about 7:30 in the morning to make it to the meditation session which is at 8:30. I know you're not supposed to eat before meditating, but I realize I have to stop and grab SOMETHING to eat because otherwise, i'll be awake 5 hours before I actually am able to put some food in my stomach. So I weigh my two options and conclude that it's probably better for me to eat something and then meditate on a full stomach then not eat anything and be fixated on the fact that I'm MOTHERF-ING hungry the hour and a half I'm meditating. Well, I get in line--the food tent is supposed to open at 8, and it doesn't open til 8:20. I run my ass around jamming shit onto my plate and then book it off towards workshops, forking eggs and yogurt into my face while I speedwalk.

I get there and thankfully they haven't started yet. Already discombobulated, I sit down right BEHIND the instructor who I don't realize is, in fact, the instructor. She gives me a weird look and tells me I might be better off sitting somewhere where I can actually SEE something other than her back.

Good start. Very zen.

The workshop starts, the instructor talks real loosely about Buddhism and Buddhist meditation, telling me absolutely nothing that I didn't already know, so I'm a tad disappointed. And then she explains to us how to meditate and stuff and rings her cute lil' bell thricely, so I get re-excited about the prospect of meditating.

Now, mind you, meditation workshops are always a bit difficult at Michfest, especially if you're not a practiced meditator, simply because there's a LOT of fricking noise going on at all times--other workshops, women walking by chatting, tractors and stinkbuses driving disabled folks around. So if you're just learning, it's hard to focus. But I tried my hardest to shut out everything. I'm doing ok, feeling very peaceful, when all of the sudden I shift a bit and realize my right foot, which has been sitting under my left knee, has COMPLETELY fallen asleep. Not the pins and needles kind of sleepiness, but full fledged "my foot feels like some disembodied slab of meat when poked at by the big toe on my other foot" kind of asleep. And I hate when body parts fall asleep. I fear that they will not wake up. And I feel the immediate need to get some blood back in them. Which, when you're meditating, is difficult to do without bothering the piss out of everyone else.

So here I am, my foot completely asleep, quietly prodding at it with my other foot. Nonchalantly rubbing it with my hand as quietly as possible. Poking it. Jabbing it. Shaking it. Then the pins and needles start. Glory be. I am completely distracted, completely useless in the world of meditation.

Goddammit, I think to myself. Or Buddha dammit. Or something like that.

I give up on the attempts to actually get back on track, and by the time THIS session of meditating is over with, I've finally awoken my foot.

She then begins to show us how to do WALKING meditation--2 different kinds. I am intrigued and pumped to try it. We all stand up, turn to our left to walk in a circle around the wooded area, and the girl in front of me's ass crack is half-hanging out of her pants. It is a large crevasse. It is dark and hairy. It looks like something a troll would navigate its way through in an enchanted forest. I cannot take my eyes off of it.

Go figure, I have no problems seeing butt-nekkid women trouncing and flouncing all over the land all week. All the forms and figures make me so gloriously happy to see. And yet, there is something horribly vulgar and grotesque and mocking about an ass-crack half hanging-out of someone's pants.

Needless to say, the walking meditation does not go well. I am disturbed and yet drawn to the ass crack again and again. Repulsed. Compelled. Repulsed. Compelled. We walk for about 10 minutes and I TRY with all my might not to fixate on it, but I fail miserably. And so the session ends.

I am left thinking that I probably should just stick with Kundalini.

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