A Random Airing-Out of My Big Bag o' Dork

When I was in middle school, I really dug the song "The Humpty Dance" and its creator, Digital Underground. I dug it so much that I bought a cheap, blackmarket t-shirt of the song at the fleamarket that summer and wore it often.

When the Dana Carvey movie Opportunity Knocks came out (UNDERSTATEMENT! ---> and then the slightly-more well-received Wayne's World <---UNDERSTATEMENT!), I had a wicked celebrity-crush on Dana Carvey for quite some time. I even cut out a picture of him and hung it on the wall near my bed.

I used to get random and brief crushes on repair fellows/construction fellows that came over to work on our house.

Freshman year in high school, I used to wear a biker ring that had an eagle on it holding a skull in its beak. It looked sorta like this:

but also had a skull in its beak. I bought it at a fleamarket and wore it on my thumb. The bottom right wing of the eagle was chipped off. I once left it over the house of a boy named Tony Brinkman. He brought it into school for me the next day. I don't know what ever ended up happening to it, but I wish I still had it.

The first cassette I ever owned was a Hugga-Bunch cassette. The second cassette I ever owned was a James Taylor cassette. I traded this with my mom for her Phil Collins No Jacket Required cassette because I thought he was MUCH cooler than James Taylor.

Me and my friend Kristen were sincerely convinced that I would marry a man who had a name with about 5-consonants in a row in it because the Ouija Board told us so. CGBHNE, when will you sweep me away on your white-horse?

I once got in trouble with my best friend's parents when we got in a fight and I allegedly "wiped a deodorant stick on her." She was a liar.

When I was 9-years old and the Paul Simon song "You Can Call Me Al" came out, I became infatuated with the name and wished that I could get my own name legally changed to it. I tried getting my family to call me Al when they addressed me, but this failed miserably. As a last-ditch attempt, I bought a set of name-stickers of different shapes and designs that had the name AL on all of them. I plastered them on everything. I soon grew out of this phase.

The oldest stuffed animal that I still own is my Alley Cat. His name was... um... Al. I threw up on his head sometime prior to 6th grade while sleepwalking (I don't remember exactly how old I was--just that it was at my old house), and my mom had to put panties over his head when she washed and dried him so his plastic eyeballs wouldn't get all scratched up. I still touch up his pupils with a permanent black marker every few months or so when I think of it.

I once cried in a van with a couple of my friends because they believed in God and I didn't.

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