...Not the kind of wheel you fall asleep at...

Scars & Burns

So I realized this weekend that it is a *damn* good thing that I'm not a chef because, as is, I've already chalked up way too many burn scars for my own good while cooking. I remember exactly where most of them came from--they're like time-lines of recipes. Except for one random one that appeared out of nowhere like stigmata or something--that one I chalk up to demon possession.


  • Left arm (top)--cooking potacos for a dinner guest;

  • Left arm (bottom)--cooking a really goddamn good dinner of toasted orzo with spinach, tomatoes, and almonds AND croissant sammiches with roasted red pepper, tomato, mozzarella, basil, and pinenuts this weekend (well-worth the burn);

  • Right arm (side)--mystery burn.

  • Scars:

  • Right knee--my sister left out a frameless mirror that she won at a carnival (it had like a panda bear and hearts on it or something lame) which, when I was kneeling down to pick up something or another, sliced straight through my knee;

  • Right eyelid--chickenpox scar that lengthens the crease in my eyelid, making me look as though I'm constantly quizzical or suspicious. I have several other chickenpox scars scattered across random parts of my body;

  • Right elbow--scar in the shape of a K; from when I tried going no-handed on my bike while standing up and pedalling (a physical impossibility which I didn't realize at the time) and then fell off and then almost got hit by the fella down the street who was on his moped;

  • Eyeball scars--I have a scar or two from a bout of corneal ulcers I had--they are not discernible to the nekkid eye, just to my eye doctor; I also have a creepy yellow spot on the white part of my left eye--my doctor says it's not abnormal though he failed to explain what it is.

  • Other malfeasances:

  • Crease under my nose--this is not actually a scar, despite it being mistaken as such once or twice; it is actually a happiness crease--you will get to see it if I am really and sincerely smiling at something you say. It is kind of like a sincerity-thermometer--if I'm only laughing or smiling out of politeness, it doesn't really show up;

  • Chipped bottom front tooth--I bit down really hard on a fork-tine at a Bob Evans on my way home from some road trip or another while eating this delicious brownie ice-cream dessert. I get way too excited around ice cream sometimes.

  • Freckle moustache--I am constantly being told that it is not noticeable, but bah humbug--it's there, I can see it, and I just think people are trying to appease me. When I was on my second brand of "the pill," it suddenly started appearing, a weird freckliness tight against my upper lip. I thought nothing of it, figuring it was just some cute weird freckle-spattering. But then it blossomed to take over most of the skin between my nose and mouth, looking from a distance like a dark patch of hair when in reality, it is just a mass of freckles. It darkens over the summer as I get tan and it lightens back up in the winter. I think it's called melasma. But at least it ain't that freaky vitiligo shit.

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