...Not the kind of wheel you fall asleep at...

Must-Sees for the X-mas Season

1. Burbank Video's Christmas Toys

Sometimes the $1 bins at Big Lots yield the best treasures of them all. Includes "Dolls of Many Lands," "The Elf and Mr. Little," and "Santa Claus Story." My siblings and I watch this disaster ever X-mas and laugh our asses off.

Remember back in the good ol' days when Santa looked like he crawled right out of hell to torture children? Remember all those pictures of you as a child, screaming bloody murder in his lap? Now you'll remember why. "Santa Claus Story" consists of the world's creepiest Santa who appears to be drunk enough that he must read his lines from cue-cards. Welcome to the bizarre metaphysical realm where Santa is forced to defend the fact that he DOES, in fact, exist. Listen to him butcher the "Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus" letter and speak to two young and confused children about such things as "a veil covering the unseen world" and the "supernal beauty and glory beyond." Watch as Santa tries to explain to the children about how people are just like bad little monkeys in a lengthy non-sequitur that allows the producers to insert a variety of glorious monkey stock-footage for our entertainment. Watch the monkeys eat mortar! Oh wait, it's just whipped cream! And remember, "A thousand years from now, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood."

(Watch a clip HERE)

Once you've been touched by Santa. Er. You know what I mean. Then check out "The Elf and Mr Little" for a look at the shittiest marionettes ever made. Chunks of hair fall off their heads throughout the short film, Mrs. Little's eyes are painted shut. All the marionettes have hands 3x the size of their heads. And the puppeteers are no better. Mr. Little finds himself constantly eating his hammer. The Elf finds himself twitching epileptically whenever he talks. Watch as Mr. Little creates wonderful toys for children just by beating things with a hammer! If ever you've wanted to step over the brink of insanity, you need only pop in this short and you'll know what it means to be mad.

(See more pics HERE)

This is a hard-to-come-by video, *BUT* there are two copies left on amazon.com, both for relatively cheap. I suggest you get your hands on one--you will *not* be disappointed.

2. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

When martians find themselves unable to make their children happy any longer, they kidnap Santa Claus in order to put him to work making toys. Apparently aliens travel in spaceships whose doors are clearly made out of cardboard and have children who look like elves. There are some great (and threatening) gun sequences, and you'll find yourself wondering whether someone slipped you acid midway through during an extended sequence of wind-up toys lurching about surrounded by bubbles. Oh, and it has Pia Zadora in it which makes it worth watching just because you'll get to say her name over and over. Pia Zadora. Pia Zadora. Pia Zadora.




  • You can usually find this gem at your local Half-Price Books for between $5 and $10. Or order it on Amazon.com for cheap.

    3. Jack Frost (1996)

    The horror movie, not the Michael Keaton sludge... A truck carrying an escaping convict collides with what other than another truck carrying a load of genetic acid. The escaping convict becomes genetically mixed in with the surrounding winter snow and turns into a killer snowman, returning to the town to pick off the townies one by one. What makes this movie so much fun is that it doesn't take itself seriously at all, making it a campy X-mas treat to watch.

    It's so bad it's delightfully good. Make sure to stick around through the credits which are spattered with random trivia about the movie.



  • Most video stores carry this gem. It is also easy to find on-line or at your local Best Buy/Circuit City-ish type stores.



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