THINGS I DREAMT ABOUT THIS WEEKEND (OR "HOW I SUDDENLY TURNED INTO THE WORLD'S LARGEST NYMPHOMANIAC")

1. That Jimmy Kimmel showed me his wiener. I was trying to take a shower, he randomly opened the bathroom door while nekkid, and he laughed really hard when I shouted, "I don't wanna see that! Jesus!"

2. That I was surfing the internet on my (non-existent) laptop while in the shower and someone walked in on me as I was perusing a Playboy website. I was mostly just embarassed that it was lame-ass Playboy I was caught surfing and not something cooler.

3. That someone gave me a magical flotation device one day while I was swimming in someone's swimming pool. Jake Gyllenhaal was in the deep-end of the pool. The magical flotation device was, of course, magical and allowed you to do things that normally you wouldn't be able to do. In the dream I had the brilliant idea that if it could do this, then perhaps it could give me a super-orgasm. I promptly tracked down my fella and, with large flotation device in hand (it looked like a giant yellow frenchfry) commenced to shagging him up against the wall. The large flotation device was a mad success. Towards the end of the dream, I became aware that I was dreaming and thought to myself, "You must carry this info over into the waking world because a giant magical flotation device is something that no one's ever invented and if *YOU* were the one to invent it, you'd make millions upon millions."

I have not yet figured out the logistics of said giant magical flotation device, but give me time.

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