*NEWSFLASH*

Today, an old acquaintance of mine, whom I haven't spoken to in quite a long time, responded to an email I sent with a completely out of the blue and unprovoked compliment, telling me, "I hope all is well. I just want you to know, we all thought you looked smok'in hot at my wedding. once you and M____ broke up I was able to make up sexy stories of you in mind without feeling like I was betraying M____... ha ha! ;)"

Yes, people. Let me let you in on a little secret. Despite my scraggly and unkempt appearance, I clean up well. Very well, in fact. I already knew this, but apparently many of you don't.

Shocking, I know.

Apparently you all just haven't yet figured out that this disguise of squirrely hair, hippie-stench, and discombobulated clothing-choices is merely serving to keep me under the radar until my plan to CONQUER THE UNIVERSE has been completed.

Just a few more months and my army of Julian Casablancas robots will RULE THE WORLD!

Prepare to bow down.

Prepare.

(Until then you can rent me out for weddings and special occasions for $500 a pop. All proceeds will go directly to TFFTOTWOJCAAT (The Fund for Taking Over the World One Julian Casablancas at a Time).)

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