Ah weddings.

A few weeks ago, my best friend from high school got married, and I attended the wedding and reception with E.

It was a lovely wedding, it was a lovely reception. She was beautiful and glowing like all brides are supposed to be, and I was truly happy for her. Despite all my anti-marriage talk, I *do* enjoy weddings (I just have no desire to throw my own). And yet, I always feel slightly out of place at them, kind of like a jellyfish at Toys in Babeland or something. And her wedding was one such instance.

Picture this:

Me. And E. Sitting at a table of people from my hometown. One of whom is the mom of a boy I went to junior prom with. All the rest of which are either spooky, pure-glowing Christians and/or white upper-middle-class Stepford Wives and Husbands.

I turn down the salad being passed around because it looks like it has cheese in it. Stepford Wife Extraordinaire (SWE) leans over and says, You're not having any salad? (as though I just defecated on the table). I say, No, I can't--I think it has cheese in it and I'm vegan. SWE (in an uber-affected, excruciatingly feigned-ignorance airheadiness): You're *HERBAL*? Everyone looks confusedly at one another. Prom Mom says, Not *HERBAL*. Vegan. Like vegetarian but stricter. What the heck would "herbal" even BE? SWE looks at me like I've just stripped down butt-nekkid, rubbed peanut-butter all over my body, and commenced to eviscerating a small baby with my rock-hard nipples while singing the Star Spangled Banner.

Later, SWE and SHE (Stepford HUSBAND Extraordinaire, who looks kind of like Mr. Brady) swing it out on the dance floor as the DJ hosts a dance to see who's been married the longest. SWE and SHE are the second-to-last people on the dance floor, and upon realizing that they've been beat out by a couple that's been married a couple years long, she trudges disappointedly from the dance floor, and mutters to her husband, "That's ok. We'll win it at Home Days. I'm sure of it."

Cue up a whole bunch of Christians getting down to Justin Timberlake singing about "Them other fuckers not knowing how to act" and you have about the gist of it.

Surrealism at its best.

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