...Not the kind of wheel you fall asleep at...


Last week my mom sent me one of those dorky chain-email tests:

This is fun to do. Just read the "offense" and if you've done it, you owe that fine.

Keep going until you've read each "offense" and added up your total fine.

You don't have to confess your answers, just the amount of your fine.

Smoked pot -- $10
Did acid -- $5
Ever had sex at church -- $25
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you --$40
Had sex with someone on MySpace -- $25
Had sex for money -- $100
Ev er had sex with a Puerto Rican -- $20 Vandalized something -- $20
Had sex on your parents' bed -- $10
Beat up someone -- $20
Been jumped -- $10
Crossed dressed -- $10
Given money to stripper -- $25
Been in love with a stripper -- $20
Kissed some one who's name you didn't know -- $0.10
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work -- $15
Ever drive drunk -- $20
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- $50
Used toys while having sex -- $30
Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $20
Went skinny dipping -- $5
Had sex in a pool -- $20
Kissed someone of the same sex -- $10
Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $20 Cheated on your significant other -- $10 Masturbated -- $10
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend --$20
Done oral -- $5
Got oral -- $5
Done / got oral in a car while it was moving --
Stole something -- $10
Had sex with someone in jail -- $25
Made a nasty home video -- $15
Had a threesome -- $50
Had sex in the wild -- $20
Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $25
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars -- $20
Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $20
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 -- $25
Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $50
Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $25
Went streaking -- $5
Went streaking in broad daylight -- $15
Been arrested -- $5
Spent time in jail -- $15
Peed in the pool -- $0.50
Played spin the bottle -- $5
Done something you regret -- $20
Had sex with your best friend -- $20
Had sex with someone you work with at work -- $25
Had anal sex -- $80
Lied to your mate -- $5
Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- $25

Most of the time, I love the fact that my mom is a strong, independent woman who is open to talking about anything. But every once in a while, I find myself thinking that a child *doesn't really need to know* that her mom has done it in a cemetery. Another case in point being the following email-conversation with her afterwards, in which

a) I receive a total Mom-Burn (which is the worst type of burn possible, especially when the Mom-Burn consists of your mom apparently calling you a prude), and

b) she brought up the topic of... well... the one topic that you never wanna find yourself in a discussion about with your mom--*covering ears and shouting LA LA LA LA LA*:

MOM: so what was your bail Ms Black Snake Moan badass chick?

ME: ha ha ha--wtf? why am i ms black snake moan badass chick??

MOM: i'm kidding.. because your bail is probably only $5 for playing spin the bottle.. <---BURN

ME: OH MEAN! now what does THAT mean? and i think it was like $xxx or something.

MOM: whoo hoo.. that's more than some of us old timers here! i surmised you were pristine as the driven snow..
i don't think i want to know.. heh heh.. esp re anal sex.. smile.. <---LA LA LA LA LA LA

The horror... The horror...



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