...Not the kind of wheel you fall asleep at...

Winter Television Mind-Suck

  • I think there may very well be nothing worse than finding your heart get all squishy and sentimental in the face of a lousy stinking jewelry commercial whose goal IS to get your heart feeling all squishy and sentimental so that they can sell you shiny expensive shit. When this happens, I always want to immediately throw myself out of my second floor window, but for the fact that I'd probably just land in the snow without a scratch and then have one of my neighbors drive by in his Car O' Bass and point at me and snicker kind of Beavis-and-Butthead-like and go "Heh heh. Porch Pussy." Cue that lousy f-ing Kay Jewelers commercial. You know: the one with the nauseatingly upper-middle-class couple driving in their newly-washed-despite-the-snow SUV while a delicate and lovely song begins to play and snow falls gently all around them and he slips a diamond bracelet/brooch/earrings into her palm and, despite the fact that they're holding up traffic in what appears to be NYC, no one beeps because they all KNOW that he has proven his love to her in the only way that's sincere: which is to spend money on her. That one. Every time I see that goddamn commercial, my heart goes squish. And I blame the song in it. And the stupid snow (it falls like something out of a Robert Frost poem). I have spent the last two months very adamantly forcing myself to avoid tracking down the song from that commercial, because even if it IS a good song, I figure it is nonetheless unworthy of my support since it's in a lousy shit of a jewelry commercial making me fall all squishy inside about snow, and diamonds, and love and shit. And that's just not right. My heart should never even HESITATE about whether it wants a diamond. BECAUSE IT DOESN'T. UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. EVEN IF IT WERE A DIAMOND THAT I COULD USE TO CUT THROUGH THE GLASS SURROUNDING AN EVEN BIGGER DIAMOND THAT I COULD THEN STEAL AND SELL FOR TRILLIONS OF DOLLARS ON THE DIAMOND BLACKMARKET. And yet--*whiny sigh*--that song's kind of lovely. So I did finally track it down. And although the dude who sings it has the worst name ever--*snickering* Landon Pigg *snickering*--and although I have yet to buy an expensive diamond brooch/bracelet/necklace and will never do so because I think they are ugly despite all the attempts by Kay's Jeweler to brainwash me into thinking otherwise, the song does what it's supposed to: It makes me want to curl up on the couch next to the warm body of someone I'm deeply in love with, watching the snow feather down quietly outside the window pane. And for that, I must now go throw myself down a flight of stairs.

    [[ LISTEN TO THE SONG HERE: it's the one called "Coffee Shop"--I hang my head in pretend shame ]]

  • Has anyone else seen that IRRITATING multi-grain cheerios commercial where the wife gets offended because the husband accidentally implies that she's trying/needs to lose weight? And is anyone else driven as completely bonkers as me about the fact that their voices are SO obviously (and loudly) overdubbed from what appears to be an Irish or British accent to an American one? Seriously: Everytime the commercial comes on, my skin crawls and I cannot help but glaringly study the way their mouths are so OBVIOUSLY pronouncing words in an unAmericanized way, despite the obnoxiously squawky American voices coming out of the box.

  • I am ashamed to admit that I will most likely be tuning in to THE MOMENT OF TRUTH tonight on Fox, just because it is going to be SO awesomely ridiculous, and because if I were a contestant, I would walk the hell out of there in 10 minutes flat with $1/2 million. Because I have no shame. Whatsoever. The hair on their necks is probably standing on end as I write this and they sense that there is, in fact, a single soul out there who, if unleashed on their tv show, would sap them dry of every single cent.



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