Never Just Eye-Crusties and Dragon Breath

Apparently I'm doomed to henceforth and forevermore involve myself with dudes that have weird sleep-issues.

• THE FONDLER: One of my ex-es would grope and fondle me constantly in his sleep. It got to the point where I would hate going to bed after him because if I even JOSTLED him in his sleep it was all honk honk, radio-dial-twisting of the nips. Or crotch-grabbing. Or erection pressing itself against my asscheeks. Or some other manifestation of sleep perviness. Bunk.



• THE SNORER: Another ex- had a deafening snoring problem for the first year or so we were together. That whole year I ended up removing myself to the next room in the middle of the night whenever we spent the night together.



• THE HYPOTHETICAL CHOKER: A dude I hooked up with a few times rolled over to me once when I crashed at his place and said randomly: "Yeah, I don't spoon because I have nightmares, and one time I woke up choking one of my girlfriends." *AWESOME*



• THE PSEUDO-NARCOLEPTIC: The current fella both snores with house-rattling strength and also has sleep apnea and, thus, dozes off at odd moments. God bless stone-cold tiredness and earplugs, that's all I'm saying. And although the weird bursts of dozing weirded me out at first, I've actually grown kind of fond of them. If nothing else, it's amusing to have someone JUST finish up the last syllable of a fully coherent, interesting sentence about, say, a Jim Jarmusch movie and IMMEDIATELY begin snoring, as though someone flipped a Sleep Switch right as the endstop of his last word passed between his lips. And then wake up again about 60 seconds later and continue on with the conversation. And then drop off into sleep again only to wake up again 60 seconds later. Even more amusing is having someone do all of that while in the process of absent-mindedly fondling you, only to heavily drift off with their head flattening your tit. None of this probably amuses HIM a bit, but at least SOMEONE'S on board the Amusement Train.

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