A Third Person Tale, Told By the Friend of a Friend, and Converted into a Dialogue (Which Sounds Like an Urban Legend, But Not)

Person #1: (fidgeting)

Person #2: Why you so fidgety?

Person #1: I kinda tore my asshole.

Person #2: What??!

Person #1: I kinda tore my asshole yesterday.

Person #2: (confused silence)

Person #1: It really kind of hurts.

Person #2: Um, what exactly were you DOING that you tore your asshole?

Person #1: Well, I was trying to see how much marijuana I could fit up there.

Person #2: Wait wait wait. WHAT?!!?

Person #1: I've tried it before. I mean, you put it in a ziploc, you lube up the ziploc, and then you very gently pack it up there.

Person #2: Uh...

Person #1: And I was able to squeeze a baggie up there the last time. This time, I got one baggie up there again, so I figured, why not try getting a second baggie up there?

Person #2: Uh, seriously?

Person #1: Swear to god. But the second baggie tore my asshole a little bit.

Person #2: You're fucking with me.

Person #1: No seriously. I'd like to say it was from, like, buttplay or a dildo or something. But it wasn't. And man, does it hurt.

Person #2: (pausing for a thought) So, um, have you been able to shit?

Person #1: Oh man. I've just been drinking, like, smoothies and stuff the past day.

Person #2: (pausing again) Did you try putting lotion on it maybe?

Person #1: Lotion? You can't lotion your ASSHOLE.

Person #2: Why not?

Person #1: Because who lotions their asshole?

Person #2: Well, who in god's name puts baggies of MARIJUANA up their asshole??

Person #1: Hush.

Person #2: (eyeing Person #1 skeptically) I so don't believe you.

Person #1: Fine. Don't believe me.

Person #2: (glaring suspiciously)

Person #1: But if you could avoid touching my anus when we're messing around, that'd be great.

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