Dude: Seriously?

Last night I was randomly thinking about a whole whirlwind of things, but one of the random things my mind decided to settle on was the series of strange beliefs that some of the boys in my life have held. Not the kind of strange beliefs that require kidnapping and deprogramming. But strange beliefs as in, Dude: seriously??

Case in point:

• THE SNEAKY MARRIAGE BELIEF: One of my exes would get pissed off at me that I didn't ever want to get married. AND YET, despite the fact that we dated for EIGHT YEARS (yes, you heard me right--EIGHT years), he never in any way broached the topic with me, other than to get pissed off at me that I didn't believe in marriage. It dawned on me yesterday that this was actually kind of brilliant. He was able to be righteously indignant and guilt-trip me about "not loving him enough" WHILE never having to actually succumb to a long-term commitment. Sneaky, no?



• THE PLASTIC: Then again, the same ex not-so-brilliantly believed that plastic doesn't scratch things. For example, he would toss a laundry basket on the hood of my car, and I would be like, Dude, watch you don't scratch that! And he'd be all, Plastic doesn't scratch things. We went on like this for a while until I got the brilliant idea to do the same on his car with my laundry basket. When he said, Hey, what's up with the scratches on my car? I was all, I dunno! You always told me plastic didn't scratch. BURN.



• THE MAIM: This very same ex ALSO believed, until he was corrected by a very horrified me, that a lion's mane was actually called a lion's maim.



• THE PRE-CUM AS SANTA CLAUS: Another dude I hung out with for a brief stint didn't belief you could get pregnant from pre-cum. Said I: Um, dude. You DO know you can get someone pregnant from pre-cum, right? Dude: Yeah, I don't believe in that. Because pre-cum is apparently the equivalent of Santa Claus. No doubt there are probably now a multitude of equally retarded pre-cum babies of his dopily running around and telling other women that they don't believe pre-cum can get a woman pregnant either.

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