...Not the kind of wheel you fall asleep at...

"AUSTRALIA Makes Me Want to Stab Myself" Pie

*Please forgive me, Mo.

I can't help but occasionally rip on a movie or two here (case in point). Not to say that I'm a connoisseur, 'cause, well, I like THESE. But sometimes, sometimes a movie is just so silly that if I keep it all in, I will develop severe constipation of the brain. In which case, it's better just to shit and shit hard.

So... PLOP:

The ridiculousness of Luhrmann's AUSTRALIA...

  • Gratuitous half-naked Hugh Jackman wet-tshirt scene
    It made me laugh out loud. Granted, I think it was actually related to the plot, but I have to give Hugh Jackman props, because I was thinking about it, and there's such a ridiculous overabundance of gratuitous body-shots if women in movies that are clearly there just for titillation. But you don't see that often with male actors. And mother of god do they do it with Hugh Jackman in like EVERY movie he's in. He's also rarely dry. And it's weirdly cute. And it makes me want to pinch his cheeks and go awwww. It also makes me feel like a dirty middle-aged housewife sipping martinis in the middle of the day while watching the shirtless pool boy mop his brow with his t-shirt. But I can live with that.

  • (Housewife it up with me, won't you?)

  • "Somewhere Over the Rainbow."

  • Nicole Kidman's mannequin face--you were so so so pretty before, Nicky. WHY?!?! Now you bear the scarlet A of the insecure middle-aged woman. Boo.

    (Can't you just hear the creaks
    as she attempts to smile??)

  • CGI--could you possibly look ANY more CGI than you do? I mean really. No blue-screen THERE, folks. The completely superimposed background that looks like it was airbrushed from a magazine is SURELY real. I mean, Australia I'm sure needed the help. 'Cause gorgeous landscape is something it surely does NOT have.

  • White Savior Syndrome--Oh, look at the pretty white people learning from the natives. Look at the natives learning from the pretty white people. Look at the pretty white people rescuing the natives. Go, pretty white people! Go!

  • Pretty white people in love--thank god they didn't leave this out, because a film strictly about racism and colonialization would just be so... damn... HEAVY. *pout* And we don't need that. We need white people in love to remind us that it's ok that all the darkies got shot up, 'cause at least the pretty white people rescued THEIR darkie and now they can all be in love together and white together (well, except for the darkie) and look pretty and make plastic facey love (except for the darkie). Go, pretty white people! Go!

[Also: I'm pretty certain the first third of this movie is stolen straight from a KING OF THE HILL episode. THIS ONE, to be exact.]



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