...Not the kind of wheel you fall asleep at...

Dook Theory

N/A posted a pic of me on the toilet today on his blog. Thankfully I didn't even realize it WAS a pic of me on the toilet until I READ it was a pic of me on the toilet. So he can rest assured that he won't return home to find all his comic books on fire.

And although his post about dookie didn't spur my own today, it seems fitting nonetheless.

You see, my friend P and I talk about this occasionally: The weird attempts that women take to hide the fact that they are taking a nice stank shit in a public place. We are a gender made leery of our own sounds and smells, unfortunately. But what makes these attempts so funny is that you mention them to someone else who's female, and they'll immediately start laughing because either a) they do it, or b) they've been in the presence of at least one of the folks who does.

Today, for your entertainment, I offer you this whimsical scatological female analysis of the Dookie-Decoy.

  1. The Fake Tampon-Taker-Outer: This person will rustle/clank the tampon depository so that it sounds like the reason they are sitting in there for so long is not, in fact, dookie-related but because they have hemorrhagic lady-stuff they have to contend with.

  2. The Extra-Flusher: This one I don't really understand, 'cause they flush the toilet as though to give the impression that they are, indeed, done and about to leave. But then they just continue to sit there and wait for you to leave. They don't even get up to complete the illusion. So it's like a decoy, but not a very good one because of the lack of follow-through. Plus, it also gives the impression that their shit doth stank so much that it is necessary to flush it away in small increments so as not to incapacitate the entire floor.

  3. The Nose-Blower: Like the Fake Tampon-Taker-Outer but with nose-blowing in place of tampon-rustling.

  4. The Loud Toilet-Paper Unraveler: Like the Extra-Flusher, I'm not sure what the tactic here is. Perhaps just to stall. But this essentially consists of loud extraction of toilet-paper from the roll. Like lots of toilet paper. Which, instead of making me think you're just taking a real long time peeing and getting toilet paper to wipe, makes me think you must've just shit out Shamu if it requires that much toilet paper to wipe it away.

  5. And my all-time favorite... The Deer in Headlights: This person freezes as soon as someone enters the restroom with them. They do not breathe. They do not stir. They do not unravel or rustle or clank. They just will themselves into invisibility until you leave, as though you surely won't figure out why they're in there if they manage to just. keep. quiet. I always take a GRATUITOUSLY long time to wash my hands when I'm in a bathroom with these folks, sometimes enough so that they will break down and give an audible exasperated sigh. Which--as always--means I win.

What instigated this list today was my realization that having a Keeper (a rubber/silicon tampon substitute) creates a whole new breed of bathroom paranoia. Reason being that a) The Keeper is not well-known, and b) The Keeper requires suction in order to lock it into place. So there IS no common bathroom explanation for the noises that emanate from a reinsertion, unlike a tampon rustle or depository clank. It does not shout: Hey, here is what is going on! Which means that normally I try to avoid emptying it and reinserting it when others are in the bathroom.

Today, however, I threw caution to the wind and attempted a reinsertion. And the noise sounded like a combination of plunging and weird extraterrestrial squeaking, which caused me to put myself in the other person's shoes and realize that they probably thought these sounds were emanating from my asshole in the world's strangest and cacophonous asshole symphony and/or that the person in the bathroom with them was transforming from their human disguise back into transmorphic alien reptilia, sent to take over the workplace.

Both of which of course amused me to no end. 'Cause really, this place could USE a little bit of transmorphic alien reptilian excitement every once in a while.

Point being: Today marks my first step at taking back the dookie!

My sisters, we must take it all back! The shout, fart, squeak, queef, and dookie! Do it loud and do it proud! I am shitter, hear me roar!

Are you with me?!?



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