I always feel slightly self-conscious about posting boy-related things as I feel like they can easily be misread and make me sound a) insecure, b) needy for boys' attention, c) like I'm trying to prove something to my ex-, or d) like I'm bragging.
But JESUS PEEPS: sometimes this shit is really too goddamn ridiculous and funny and stupid (and occasionally adorable****) NOT to tell tales of.
So fuck it: Think what you will.
With that in mind, I give you:
Lindy Loo's Adventures with Boys, or
"How I Continue to Be Amazed That I Have Ever Gotten Laid AT ALL, Much Less by an even SLIGHTLY Normal Human Being"
So far in the past month, I've:
- Had a dude laugh at me for a gratuitously long time because he thought I was a lesbian*.
- Had a dude use a large block of cheese to flirt with me.
- Had a dude use conversation about whirling dervishes to flirt with me and then explain to me how I can spin around in circles for long periods of time without getting dizzy.
- Had a dude in my bedroom ask me what I would do if he "body-slammed me" right then and there****, my response being: "I will kick you in your tiny balls.*****"
- Had a dude say he would like to "spank me" at pool.
- Had an extremely inebriated dude criticize me for being a woman who doesn't want children.
- Had a dude tell me he was joining me because "I looked pathetic standing and smoking by myself."
- Had a dude try to get my phone number from across the room through sign language that for some reason involved writing on the palm of his hand as though he were jotting down my order instead of just making the universal phone-gesture, causing me to stare at him for a really long time in confusion.
- Had a dude refer to my lower-back tattoo as "not a tramp-stamp" as though it was a compliment.
- Made an ass out of myself by a) incoherently jumbling my words, b) giggling at myself for jumbling words, and c) hitting my head into the wall while I conversed with CBG, a dude that surely by the end of our exchange THOUGHT I had a crush on him, even though I didn't at the time.****** (I was inebriated, so suck it.)
*And at Ms. M, as well, but she IS a lesbian, so she just looked at him drolly** and was like, "Yeah, I'm a lesbian: What."
**I think I am misusing the word droll again here, but I still like my definition*** better.
***Dirty Harry when he says, "You've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?" is the embodiment of my definition of the word "Droll."
****You know I love you, dude. And I'm sure you have the biggest balls in town! Probably!
*****I am so romantical.
******I do now though, just a little (I mean, I might as well, right, seeing as I'm sure he already THINKS I do?) He's just so fuzzy and cute! Just like a mogwai!! I mean, come on!