...Not the kind of wheel you fall asleep at...

What I Will Do When I Win the Lottery

So, after hearing my radio alarm-clock wake me up with news that the megamillions jackpot was at $170 million yesterday morning, I took it as a sign that I should go buy tickets. I bought 3 (lucky number) with a $2 bill (also lucky). And last night, as I was trying to fall asleep in the mug, I got to thinking about everything I would do if I won what would be (after taxes) $100 million. I know it's something that other people have probably fantasized about before, but I realized last night that I never ever had. And it was kind of fun to let my brain go wild with it. I also realized that $100 million is a fucking LOT of money, and even if I splurged by spending $100,000 a year, that would take me like 1,000 years to spend (right? I wasn't a math major...). Jesus.

So: When I win, this is what I plan on doing:

  • Giving each of my family members enough money to live off of for at least 10 years so that--as long as they don't blow through it immediately--they can do their own shit for a while without worrying about money. (This would be done under the condition that they would accept the money without feeling weird about it or indebted to me in some weird way and under the condtion that we would never ever talk about the money again.)

  • Giving each of my friends some money to do the same for about 5 to 10 years (with the same conditions).

  • Making sizable donations to:

    The Cleveland Public Libraries
    Farm Sanctuary
    Mercy for Animals
    The Humane Society
    Alley Cat Allies
    Zombie-Proof Recording
    ...and more

  • Buying the house I'm currently renting and the house in the same lot behind it.

    Fixing up my apartment:
    Buy new windows.
    Paint the one wall in the living room a deep red.
    Get new carpeting in the bedroom.
    Sound-proof the walls around the chimney.
    Get central air put in.

    Eventually kick the front tenants out and
    convert that space into my massage studio:
    New windows.
    Buy massage equipment and some sort of sound-system.
    Get central air put in.

    Paint the back house a color other than vomit-yellow. Do some renovations. Continue to rent to the current renters (they're all nice).

  • Investing money in my massage studio which I will develop into a space focused on women's health.

  • Buying a dozen or so heavy-duty mallets and some fireworks and inviting everyone over to get super super drunk on my dime and just DESTROY my VW beetle and then shoot off fireworks from its dead carcass in celebration.

  • Buying a new car with a warranty.

  • Adopting Outdoor Kitty and the kittens.

  • Perhaps converting the downstairs apartment into a stray-cat halfway house.

  • Maybe opening my own farm sanctuary.

  • Putting up some money for me and the One-F Man to make a mind-blowingly good independent film together.

  • Traveling ALL OVER the fucking place. First off: Japan. Then France and skittering about Europe. And then maybe take a breather and plan some more places to travel.

  • Entertaining the thought of gathering a dozen of the folks on my harem list to come over and feed me grapes and makeout with me and also fan me with one of those giant fan-things that looks like a palm leaf.

  • Giving a donation to a different local artist each year that would cover all their expenses for the year so they can just devote time to making their art.

  • Investing any remaining money (except for $1 mill that I'd use to tide me over for the next 10 years or so).

And this is where I drifted off to sleep... May add more to this list as I think of them.

But so far: If the lottery was a sort of Miss America pageant, I'd so win.



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