The 2am Cigarette Conversation in Which I Felt Like I Was in a Mad Men Episode (Except for the Anachronistic Tom Waits Reference);

Or, A Cock Block and a Misogynistic Joke

[I sit down on the stairs and light a cigarette. Mad Man 1 comes out and lights his own cigarette.]

Mad Man 1: [insert mildly witty but benign comment about the weather/snow/late hour/etc.--I can't really remember what it was but it was along those lines]

Me: (laughs) Yeah.

Mad Man 1: I'm [Matt] btw.

Me: Lindy Loo.

[handshake. Mad Man 2 comes out and lights up a cigarette.]

Mad Man 2: (gesturing to Mad Man 1) This guy is the greatest. (beat) I'm [John] btw.

[another handshake]

Mad Man 1: No, man. YOU'RE the greatest. (gestures towards Mad Man 2) He saves lives.

Me: Oh?

Mad Man 2: Oh come on.

Mad Man 1: He does.

Me: What do you do?

Mad Man 1: He works in the ER.

Mad Man 2: But this guy... this guy's got it all. He's a writer. He's got a great apartment. (said with emphasis) A girlfriend. (beat) I only WISH I had all that: a great job, a great apartment, (beat) a girlfriend.

Mad Man 1: Man, but you save lives.

Mad Man 2: Indeed. (beat) I put my foot in my mouth the other day though and pissed off a bunch of surgeons. MAN did I piss them off.

Mad Man 1: What did you say?

Mad Man 2: Well there were a couple surgeons in the elevator, and an orderly wheeled a dead body on with them (covered with a white sheet and stuff you know), and I looked at them and said, "Looks like THAT surgery didn't go too well."

(we all laugh)

Mad Man 2: Oh man. They were SO pissed. Never joke with a surgeon.

Mad Man 1: OH OH!! Speaking of jokes, I have the best joke.

[enter Mad Man 3 who has a large floppy white-boy-'fro. He lights a cigarette]

Mad Man 3: Dude, you're the best storyteller. Seriously. You tell THE best stories.

Mad Man 1: Ok. So this joke takes place in a [gestures to me]--I beg your pardon--whorehouse during WWI. And you know what they used to do at whorehouses during WWI...

Mad Man 2: Pretty certain they still do it NOW at whorehouses too, man.

Mad Man 1: (glares at Mad Man 2 for a moment) Anyways: there's this french fighter pilot that comes into this whorehouse. He picks out his woman and everything, and they head up to a room.

Mad Man 3: Seriously, you have the best voice for storytelling and jokes.

Mad Man 1: (face lights up) Kind of like a Tom Waits kind of thing??

Mad Man 3: Well, I was thinking more NPR. But yeah.

Mad Man 1: Anyways. Back to the joke. So the french fighter pilot, he's got this woman up in a room, and he lays her down on the bed. And he starts kissing on her, and in the middle of kissing on her he suddenly stops and pulls out a bottle of red wine and drinks from it. So the prostitute is like "Pierre Pierre, what are you doing?" And the fighter pilot says, (puts on fake french accent) "My name is Pierre and I am a french fighter pilot. When I have the red meat, I like to have the red wine to go with it."

(we all chuckle)

Mad Man 1: Waitwaitwait. SO. So the prostitute giggles and says "Oh Pierre" and they start kissing again. And then ever so slowly he unbuttons her shirt and removes her bra. And he begins to caress and kiss her breasts.

Mad Man 3: You're giving me a boner, man. That voice. I swear.

Mad Man 1: And he's kissing on her breasts and then suddenly pulls out a bottle of WHITE wine and begins to drink some. Again the prostitute asks, "Oh Pierre... What are you doing?" And Pierre says, (in fake french accent) "My name is Pierre and I am a french fighter pilot. When I have the white meat, I like to drink the white wine." And the prostitute giggles and he begins to kiss on her again.

(pauses to take a drag)

Mad Man 1: So they're kissing, and Pierre slowly pulls up the prostitutes skirt and begins to unhook her garters, pull down her panties, and kiss his way around the inside of her thighs.

Mad Man 3: Total boner, man, I'm telling you.

Mad Man 1: And he's kissing on her thighs and then suddenly he stops, pulls a large flask out, and starts pouring the liquid all over her thighs and in between her thighs and the prostitute shouts "Pierre Pierre!! What are you doing?? Why are you pouring gasoline all over me, Pierre??" And Pierre says, (in fake french accent) "My name is Pierre and I am a french fighter pilot, (beat) and when I go down, I go down in flames."

THE END

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