...Not the kind of wheel you fall asleep at...

My Defective Harem

I was thinking about it today, and realized that the members of my personal harem have gotten a bit unruly in number as of late. And one would think that this wouldn't necessarily be a problem--the more the merrier and all that. But when you have so many folks in your personal harem, competition becomes an issue between love-slaves, as does inter-harem dating and inter-harem uprisings, etc. etc. Plus, well, my harem-cage is only so big, and Casey Affleck keeps getting his giraffe-neck jammed in between the bars in the middle of night and then Angelina Jolie starts shrieking instead of just HELPING him get it out, so I have to keep running out there to get him unwedged before he suffocates to death. I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in weeks. So I figured it was time to weed some folks out. Since I know this subject matter is constantly in the foreground of your daily thoughts, I figured I'd set your mind at ease by letting you all know of these important changes.

I helped decide who to boot based on the strict criterion of whom I would like to have STRICTLY as a love-slave. Thus, folks such as Ryan Adams (who could croon my heart into jello) got bumped because, although I'd love to have him around to sing me to pieces, he's not exactly up my alley in the love-slave department.

So, based on those guidelines, my harem has officially been weeded down to the following love-slaves:

  • Julian Casablancas

  • Jason Lee

  • Maggie Gyllenhaal

  • Jake Gyllenhaal

  • Mike Doughty

  • Franka Potente

  • Johnny Knoxville

  • Brad Pitt

  • Audrey Tautou

  • Dave Eggers

  • Vincent D'Onofrio

  • Mark Ruffalo

  • Tom Waits

  • Djimon Hounsou

  • Clive Owen

  • Jeremy Sisto

  • Gael Garcia Bernal

  • Peter Sarsgaard

  • Zach Braff

  • Folks who were bumped:

    Fabrizio Moretti--Dude, you're super-hot and all that, but I hate to inform you that I'm finally over you. I'll stick with Julian instead. His voice is like sexy honey dipped in wine and then swirled around with a big old slice of avocado sushi.

    Angelina Jolie--You're so lame now! UNSEXY!! BANISHED!

    Thom Yorke--Sadly, Thommy, you were just there for the crooning. Your pompousness does not make for good love-slaving.

    Edward Norton--You're too cute. I just wanna pinch your cheeks all day instead of shagging ya.

    Ryan Adams--It's all about the crooning, sexy-crooner. I'm sorry to say. Once I start my crooner harem though, you'll be at the top of the list.

    Casey Affleck--What the hell was I thinking?

    Jack White--See Ryan Adams.

    Mason Jennings--Also see Ryan Adams.

    Lucy Liu--You fox my socks off, but I've gotta bump you. You distract the boys too much.

    Oh! And I just noticed that Peter Krause somehow vanished from my list at some point, so he is officially back on.

    Now run and update those journals of yours and notify the New York Times and Entertainment Weekly!




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