Thom Yorke Haremized! BLAT!

I'm pretty certain he's been on my harem list before, but for some reason I bump him every once in a while. And I think it might be the occasional mind-boggling hair situations he gets himself into.

Nonetheless, I'm adding him back on.

With the caveat that foreplay would have to involve me pinning him down and cutting his hair into something reasonable...

These being two instances of a dire need for foreplay:

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New Addition to My Harem List

The girl is hot. And sassy. And strong.

Need I say more?

(Also: I would like her hair. Please and thank you.)

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Harem-tastic

Chris Pratt.

Justification: The "Hunting Trip" episode of Parks & Recreation. I have not laughed so hard at a tv episode in probably a year as I did during the scenes between Andy (Chris Pratt) and April the Intern.*

I want to eat him with a really big spoon in a huge-ass plastic bowl of soymilk.



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*Alas: the episode and/or clips from the episode are nowhere to be found on-line otherwise I'd post them here. Also: piggyback.

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You Can Play Doctor on Me ANYtime, Edelstein

I can deny my feelings no longer. Lisa Edelstein MUST be added to my harem list. Every time I watch House, I think about what a divinely beautiful woman she is. I mean, check her out here in minimal makeup and modest clothing and it makes me pretty much wanna stare at her all day:



But then factor in that killer body of hers and... sweet jesus. Every time she leans over on House, I turn into a drooling leering man-woman. I've never been a girl for business attire, but to see all that wool and cotton pulling taut over her divine curves as she va-va-vooms from one hospital room to another or leans in to lecture House, well, it kind of makes me want to bend her over my couch and bounce dimes off her sweet sweet ass. Is that wrong? If so, lemme attempt to redeem myself slightly by saying I'm also smitten with the fact that she plays such a strong female lead on HOUSE and has one of THE most ridiculous laughs in real life.

*COUbutmostlyit'sthatassGH*

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And on a similar note, I started working on a Zombie Harem List a while back, so it seems fitting to post today.

These are the folks who are currently dead but whom I'd fuck if they were to become reanimated. And although it's probably obvious enough that it doesn't need mention, it takes something beyond just foxy good looks to warrant being on this list, since foxy good looks don't mean much when there's decomposition, drooling, and snarling going on. So these peeps also have a certain "deeper something" to them that has won them a place in my zombie harem (and in my heart--*squish*).


Zombie Harem

• Toshiro Mifune


• Heath Ledger


• Kurt Cobain


• Nina Simone

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I've decided that I need a subharem that consists of folks that I don't wanna fuck so much as I want to just rest their heads in my lap and quietly pet their hair. Thus:


Harem of Petted Heads in Laps

• Will Oldham

{{LISTEN}}

Aw, hair pettery:
"I love to look at you from the
side at night with music playing"

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**Strangely, I feel like I talk about wanting to pet people's heads ALL THE FRICKING TIME on this blog, and yet, Will Oldham's the only one I can think of right now.

Just you and me, buddy. Just you and me.

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Leslie Mann is Finally Getting Added to the Harem List

I seriously think it might be the voice that does it for me. Which is weird. But combine that with her bony little ass, and she's just like the cutest thing ever.

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Global Harem-Restructuring

Dammit.

I just decided to bump Gael Garcia Bernal from my harem list, and then he shows up in the new Jarmusch trailer looking scraggly and hot:



*Sigh*

Fine, you smoking hot Mexican, you. I get it. I'll add you back on.

And while I'm at it, fuck it. I'm caving.

Jackman:

I would jump you. As Wolverine but also even not.



I hate you for that. And I will gladly take that hate out on you in the bedroom.

And Adam Goldberg:



I vacillate between finding you cutely annoying and just plain old annoyingly annoying, but if you keep your shirt off and talk only minimally while glowering at me, we should be ok. And if it becomes a problem, I'll just ball-gag you. Problem solved.

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Harem Death-Match

I was going to add Jeffrey Dean Morgan (who played the Comedian in Watchmen) to my Harem List this morning, until I realized that perhaps the only reason that I think he's hot is that he kind of looks like Javier Bardem if Javier Bardem wasn't Javier Bardem.

No?







So instead I'm adding a much overdue Jason Segel.






Not as Javier Bardemish, but still worthy for sure.

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Newest Addition to My Harem List

James Franco:




Because he'd be way too much fun to skip work and lay around in bed with, wearing nothing but boxers and knee-socks, eating cheerios and laughing really hard about that one song that inexplicably talks about midgets briefly in it.

And because his voice is weird but sexy but weird.

And also: dude, that smile.

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Uncle Anton

Upon seeing the new Woody Allen flick this weekend, I suddenly realized with shock and horror that somehow Javier Bardem hadn't yet made it onto my harem list. A glaring omission, most certainly, but somewhat understandable given that a) he reminds me, for some reason, of my uncle when I was little, and one usually tries to avoid thinking sexy thoughts about one's uncle, and b) Anton Chigurh.

Nonetheless, the man deserves to be added. And added he has been.



You may now carry on.

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Please Welcome, The Newest Addition to My Harem

Jason Schwartzman.

He is a manifestation of everything that is good about hairiness. Were we to meet, I would knit a large sweater out of his hair and wear it. (Secretly, my adoration of him may just be an extension of my envy over his ability to grow hair in such massive quantities and shapes. But also, I think he'd just be fun to hang with.)

The 'stache







The shadow







The beard

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New addition to my harem:

Eddies Argos of Art Brut, because his singing makes me feel sweaty and excitable, and because he sounds kind of like a brat when he sings and that makes me want to bite his earlobes.

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I've just decided that Ryan Adams is officially being invited to join my harem. And not even as an alternate, but as a *starter*.

Lucky lucky boy.

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Newest Addition to My Harem

Win Butler of Arcade Fire...

I'd have his babies if he crooned me a song.
Or just asked nicely.

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New addition to my harem list:

Patrick Wilson

Because I may be a feminist, but that doesn't mean I'm above objectifying a hottie.

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My Harem: The Christmas Edition

Newest editions:

• Hugh Laurie (though I suspect it may moreso be specifically his character House rather than the man himself... What a hottie though)


• Peter Dinklage (not so much with the facial hair though)

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I've officially added Steve Carell to my harem-list.

Laugh all you want. I'll have the last laugh when I'm laughing my way to the bank*!

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*Not really a relevant burn, but I've always wanted to shout that at someone.

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Yes, Richard Dreyfuss in Jaws

I watched The Godfather this weekend and realized that I am in love with circa-1970's Al Pacino. (Circa 2000's Pacino shouts his lines way too much and has anger issues. Hoo haa.)

Anyways, this got me randomly thinking of all the movie characters that I would totally makeout with if they were real people or I were a fake person. A short (but not all-inclusive--b/c my memory sucks) list follows.

Movie Characters That I Would Makeout With:

• Officer Frank Serpico (aka Al Pacino) in Serpico


• Banky Edwards (aka Jason Lee) in Chasing Amy


• Donnie Darko (aka Jake Gyllenhaal) in Donnie Darko


• Sonny (aka Al Pacino) in Dog Day Afternoon


• Holden Worthor (aka Jake Gyllenhaal) in The Good Girl





• Stansfield (the bad cop) (aka Gary Oldman) in The Professional


• Rico Rice (aka Paul Schneider) in George Washington


• Tyler Durden (aka Brad Pitt) in Fight Club


• Charley (aka Vincent D'Onofrio) in Crooked Hearts


• Ennis (aka Heath Ledger) in Brokeback Mountain


• Stan (aka Mark Ruffalo) in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind





• Matt Hooper (aka Richard Dreyfuss) in Jaws


• Will Hunting (aka Matt Damon) in Good Will Hunting


• Andrew Largeman (aka Zach Braff) in Garden State


• Tom Stall (aka Viggo Mortensen) in A History of Violence


• Alvy Singer (aka Woody Allen) in Annie Hall

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My Defective Harem

I was thinking about it today, and realized that the members of my personal harem have gotten a bit unruly in number as of late. And one would think that this wouldn't necessarily be a problem--the more the merrier and all that. But when you have so many folks in your personal harem, competition becomes an issue between love-slaves, as does inter-harem dating and inter-harem uprisings, etc. etc. Plus, well, my harem-cage is only so big, and Casey Affleck keeps getting his giraffe-neck jammed in between the bars in the middle of night and then Angelina Jolie starts shrieking instead of just HELPING him get it out, so I have to keep running out there to get him unwedged before he suffocates to death. I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in weeks. So I figured it was time to weed some folks out. Since I know this subject matter is constantly in the foreground of your daily thoughts, I figured I'd set your mind at ease by letting you all know of these important changes.

I helped decide who to boot based on the strict criterion of whom I would like to have STRICTLY as a love-slave. Thus, folks such as Ryan Adams (who could croon my heart into jello) got bumped because, although I'd love to have him around to sing me to pieces, he's not exactly up my alley in the love-slave department.

So, based on those guidelines, my harem has officially been weeded down to the following love-slaves:

Julian Casablancas

Jason Lee

Maggie Gyllenhaal

Jake Gyllenhaal

Mike Doughty

Franka Potente

Johnny Knoxville

Brad Pitt

Audrey Tautou

Dave Eggers

Vincent D'Onofrio

Mark Ruffalo

Tom Waits

Djimon Hounsou

Clive Owen

Jeremy Sisto

Gael Garcia Bernal

Peter Sarsgaard

Zach Braff

Folks who were bumped:

Fabrizio Moretti--Dude, you're super-hot and all that, but I hate to inform you that I'm finally over you. I'll stick with Julian instead. His voice is like sexy honey dipped in wine and then swirled around with a big old slice of avocado sushi.

Angelina Jolie--You're so lame now! UNSEXY!! BANISHED!

Thom Yorke--Sadly, Thommy, you were just there for the crooning. Your pompousness does not make for good love-slaving.

Edward Norton--You're too cute. I just wanna pinch your cheeks all day instead of shagging ya.

Ryan Adams--It's all about the crooning, sexy-crooner. I'm sorry to say. Once I start my crooner harem though, you'll be at the top of the list.

Casey Affleck--What the hell was I thinking?

Jack White--See Ryan Adams.

Mason Jennings--Also see Ryan Adams.

Lucy Liu--You fox my socks off, but I've gotta bump you. You distract the boys too much.

Oh! And I just noticed that Peter Krause somehow vanished from my list at some point, so he is officially back on.

Now run and update those journals of yours and notify the New York Times and Entertainment Weekly!

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