Ghost Town

Good lord, is it a ghost-town here today.

*Watching as a tumbleweed rolls slowly by*

Thus, I open my comment section to you, dear readers, to ask me any questions your little hearts desire. And I will answer them as I stumble across them. Or feel free to start a discussion on some random but interesting topic, and I will gladly join in.

Please, give me something to live for!



(Sidenote: I miss tumbleweeds.)

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Kick-Ass X-mas Presents I Got from Kick-ass People With Kickin' Asses ('Cept for Adam):

(In order of receiving)

1/2. Marquee Club card;

1. Aforementioned corporate zombie t-shirt with accompanying basket of goodies including spaghetti sauce (that I've already consumed), smokey salsa (that I've eaten most of), and an assortment of cookies;

2. Pieces of Payne: A Novel by Albert Goldbarth--I read the whole goddamn thing while being snowed in on Thursday, *sob*;

3. Gift certifs for Pacific East (sushi), Mac's Backs (bookstore), and an ice cream shop;

4. Ferrero Rochero chocolates;

5. Homemade beer;

6. Awesome Egon Schiele painting--also a mixed cd (which I'm about to put on), some Victoria's Secrets panties, some Burt's Bees lip gloss (cracked lips rejoice!), and an aveda candle;

7. An Antioch College-variety cookbook;

8. Dvds of The Shining and the new Dawn of the Dead (which I can finally lend you, Pattie);

8.5. $25 gift card for Barnes & Noble;

9. Sushi plates;

10. Socks;

11. Martini glasses;

12. A magic box;

13. (I feel like I'm forgetting something, so please insert here);

14. A toaster (finally--no more toasting toast in the oven);

15. Othello;

16. Sushi plates (Part II);

17. The Six Feet Under first season (wetting self with glee);

18. My pomander clove candle of worship;

19. (I also feel like I'm embarassingly forgetting something here as well, so please insert as my mind has gone blank).

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Three Things I Find Myself Strangely Entertained By...

1. Lying with my ears underwater in my tub at home and listening to my neighbors argue--you can't hear a THING when you're up in non-water land, but under the water you can hear them PERFECTLY.

2. Watching cross-walk signs activate their DON'T WALK flashing light and then change their minds and revert back to WALK once they realize no cars are coming.

3. This guy.

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Screw the G-Spot, Let's Set Up Camp!

As though the G-spot weren't elusive enough (ok, not really, but that sounds like a good lead-in, doesn't it?):

Women apparently have the ability to "tent."

What does this mean?

"Tenting" apparently occurs "when a woman becomes really aroused[...] the muscles and ligaments surrounding the uterus lift it up and allow penetration into this extra inch or so of space behind the cervix, resulting in some incredible orgasmic sensations."

This sounds kinda creepy to me as I sorta feel the desire to have my uterus stay in place as much as it possibly can at all times (for the same reason I'd rather not have my lungs or heart traipsing around my interiors).

But to each their own.

PS. I wish I had an orgasmatron. It just sounds so delightful and robotic!

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Aggression...

"Aggression and male orgasm are closely connected; nerve tissue in the brain associated with aggression is reportedly so closely intertwined with that carrying sexual messages that it is difficult to separate the two."

--Jonathan Margolis, O: The Intimate History of the Orgasm

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I Was a Corporate Zombie...

First present of the season, and man alive does it rock:

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Did you know...

Immediately after shagging, "Both sexes may experience a burst of creative thought since orgasm produces a near lightning storm in the right, creative-thinking, side of the brain"?

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This morning...

I heard a song on the radio that spoke of "half-eaten corneas." I think this may be the sign of a good day.

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Yesterday...

I saw a woman who had just been hit by a car. I didn't think it was a person at first, until I saw the red umbrella wobbling nearby, facing up, like a cracked cup, catching snowflakes. Even then, I said out loud, "Maybe it's just a garbage bag?" I say these kinds of things sometimes, I'm not sure why. Then I saw her curly hair slopped all in the messy slush. I stared out the window for a while at all this, and then we drove on.

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The 2004 Randomness Awards

Best Picture of a Pickle:
Winner

Worst Random Experience of the Year:
Breaking down on the freeway twice.

Best Soap of the Year:
Mother Earth soap (for the second year in a row)

Funniest Commercial:
Winner (scroll down the list to Nextel: Dance Party)

Consonant of the Year:
Y (defeating 3-time champion Q)

Best Game of the Year:
Parcheesi

Best Bizarre Work-Lunch Moment:
Playing MadLibs outside

Most Amusingly Botched Reference to a Performer:
EPM referring to Michael McDonald from The Doobies as "Michael McMichael"

Most Weird ESP Moment:
TIE--
When I brought up the Simpsons quote "Let's stop listening to her" at my b-day or x-mas and later that day my sister gave me a cd mix that she'd made for me titled exactly that.
When I said out loud in EPM's presence: "I know there's SOMETHING I wanted to get at Michael's at some point and now I can't remember it" and he said "Bra clasp" and that was exactly it despite me never mentioning my intention to look for it there.

Worst Grammar Moment in an Awards Category Not Noticed Until Way Later:
"Most Weird ESP Moment"

Gay Super-Hero Duo That Makes Fun of People the Most:
Adam & Patrick

Most Random Excited Follow-up Description About the Eye:
"It's kinda like an a-nus w/saran wrap over it. And now I'm all excited again"--D

Sweetest Tin-foil Man with a Gun that Looks like a Blow-dryer:
Mine

Cutest Random Guy in a Commercial:
The Volkswagen Touareg Guy

Best Newly-Discovered Shop in Cleveland:
Suite Lorain

Sweetest Squirrel-Prank:
Lauren

Sweetest Chairman Mao Prank:
Adam

Foxiest man with no testicles and a hair-lip:
Adam's evil twin

Best Random Color:
green

Best Email of the Century:



-----Original Message-----
From: H_____, D____
Sent: Wednesday, December 08, 2004 9:01 AM
To: S________, L___________
Subject: hello

INVAGINATE TO DEATH!

http://austlii.edu.au/~dan/gromit/vomit.html

http://www.joeant.com/DIR/info/get/364/34852




Most Senile Moment at Work:
When I got up to go get a print-out and then minutes later found myself sitting on the toilet, wondering how I ended up there instead of the printer room when I didn't even have to pee.

Best Girlie-Laugh:
Eric

Best Spontaneous GAH Award:
Gah!

Best Over-Used Inside-Joke That No One Actually Understands:
"At to death!"

Best Alien Life-forms Most Resembling a Bird and a Dolphin:
Winner

Best Year of the Year:
2033

Best Ring of the Year:
Skull ring

Zombie with the Most Holiday-Spirit:
Winner

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Misconceptions & Misunderstandings

Here are a few more misunderstandings about things that I've had throughout the course of my lifetime:

1. When I was little, I thought you could only see bridges when you were driving on them.

2. When I was younger, for the longest time, I thought oral sex was either "talking about doing it" or "talking about sex over the phone."

3. Up until college, sadly, I'd never realized that the spoken word "or-derves" (as in "appetizer") was the same thing as the written word "hors d'oeuvres." Whenever I read "hors d'oeuvres" in a book or something, I pronounced it "whores devores" in my head (i.e. "She walked around, leisurely passing out whores-devores at her party."). I never managed to equate the two until I was in college.



4. I never until a year ago realized that the pupil of the eye is in fact a hole. This creeps me out to no end. It's like an eye-anus. And then to top it off, the iris (aka. eye-sphincter) dilates or constricts depending on how much light it wants to take in. So when I stare deep into a person's eyes, I'm really staring deep into their hole. And their hole is the window to their soul. Sick stuff.
Read more about the wonderful world of squishy eyeballs here, here, and here.

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For almost 28 years now...

I've been living a lie.

Only yesterday did I find out that I've been living my life with a misunderstanding of what "tinsel" is.

*GASPS OF SHOCK AND HORROR*

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"Perfectly Inspiring"...

My ass.

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Soulmates, Perhaps?

So get this:

If you google the phrases "trepanation" and "Julian Casablancas" together (my two biggest loves--heh heh), I'm not the first site to come up!! I'm not even the THIRD! I'm the fourth (!!) site (!!) on the list (!!) !!

I think I'm in love.

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Random Thought

If you have Tourette's, would you find yourself randomly blurting out swear-words over email too shit fuck?

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Eyeballs, Insomnia, and Bizarre Bazaars

It creeps me out sometimes that when you shut your eyes, all you're really doing is staring intently at the insides of your eyelids.

I mean, you get that illusion that you've shut yourself off from the rest of the world, that you aren't focusing in on any visual stimuli, but all that's really happening is that your eyelids are pressed tight against two eyes that are staring super-intently at a blurry and dark close-up of the inside of these two fleshy curtains.

Weird.

These are the kind of things that are keeping me up 'til all hours of the night lately. Not pondering the whos, whats, or wheres, but just zooming through my mind like some smoke-heaving racecar.

Ah, insomnia.

Lately at night my mind is becoming this big ol' carp that just keeps flip-flopping around at the bottom of the boat for hours, not wanting to just give up and shut down.

I don't think about anything important or interesting in those minutes or hours before I fall asleep really. My brain just free-associates from topic to topic and back again, like some drunkard stumbling along a rocky incline.

Last night thankfully I took my very last muscle relaxant--I've been having neck pains all week and finally decided to suck it up and take the last of my last pills. They are glorious and just knock me out. So thankfully, my brain didn't put up a fight for too long.

But lately, my brain will just *NOT* quiet down on its own. It just cycles and cycles and cycles through a multitude of thoughts. Last night they varied from things like what punch I should make for when I have some friends over on the 18th to the pronunciation of "bizarre" vs. "bazaar" (Do you pronounce both the same, or do we just do it out of laziness? Are you supposed to pronounce the former "bih-zar" and the latter "buh-zar"? etc. etc.).

And it doesn't even give up when sleep finally grabs hold--it just keeps on thinking in the form of bizarre dreams that tiptoe around in my head, unguided by my waking self, taunting me.

I still think a trepanning really could do me some good.

Then, as I was drifting off to sleep finally last night, I noticed that little bursts of light, little flashes of it, were firing in the outskirts of my closed eyes. Before I tumbled into the dark regions of my unconscious, I had the thought that maybe what I was seeing were the synapses firing in my brain, a heat lightning-storm of thoughts rumbling across the corners of my eyes as my brain tried to slow itself down and drift into the gray-green aftermath of its usual thought-storm.

It was strange but somehow comforting.

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