Global Harem-Restructuring

Dammit.

I just decided to bump Gael Garcia Bernal from my harem list, and then he shows up in the new Jarmusch trailer looking scraggly and hot:



*Sigh*

Fine, you smoking hot Mexican, you. I get it. I'll add you back on.

And while I'm at it, fuck it. I'm caving.

Jackman:

I would jump you. As Wolverine but also even not.



I hate you for that. And I will gladly take that hate out on you in the bedroom.

And Adam Goldberg:



I vacillate between finding you cutely annoying and just plain old annoyingly annoying, but if you keep your shirt off and talk only minimally while glowering at me, we should be ok. And if it becomes a problem, I'll just ball-gag you. Problem solved.

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More Just a Normal Few Weeks

So as a reward for my kindness (or perhaps as an apology), I was given the gift of a mummified headless squirrel. And then a dude rubbed jelly on my tits and fondled them. And the dude was not N/A. And then someone left a flower on my car. And then I found out it was Bo. And then the new kittens romped around so crazy-cute in the neighbor's yard. And then I texted MOL 'cause sometimes I just want to talk. To anyone, really. And then N/A told me that MOL told him I texted him, but then he had to get off the phone before the rest of the story so his friends wouldn't think he was nice to girls. And then I built block houses with a little girl who gave me her bracelet because she liked me. And then I hated both the blimp and the Greek festival. And then I didn't find Eddie Izzard all that funny and felt bad. And then I was sick with some sort of throat infection, and I thought I sounded sexy and husky when really I probably just sounded like I was gargling throat scabs. And then I didn't get to see Bonnie Prince Billy because of said throat scabs. And then Ms. Mo & I listened to Silver Mt. Zion in a thunderstorm, and the thunder clapped a few seconds before the part in the song where he mentioned "Messy hearts made of thunder." And then I ate a weiner. And right now there is a man standing precariously atop a business building outside my window.

Chronology is irrelevant.

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You Know: Just a Normal Few Weeks

So I thought I had rabies for a little while. And then I thought I had breast cancer for the same little while. And I was like: Ha, a breast cancer/rabies scare in the same week--you TOTALLY need to blog about that because it's too ridiculous NOT to. And then I didn't. And then I talked about poop with a large group of people over beer for at least an hour. And then I called N/A a fucking asshole. And also I think a motherfucking asshole. And then his sister had her baby. And then I ate black quinoa. And then I pooped undigested black quinoa poops for like three days, and it made the poo look like cacti or some sort of sea anemone. And then my scaredy-cat Franny decided she would start laying in my lap as long as I was on a lawn-chair. So that happened for a while. And then my soybeans finally came up. And then I got asked to be a dictator. And now it's just sort of thundering and raining a bit, and I'm gonna go eat some Chinese food and girl-talk with Mo.

How are you?

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"You must understand that love never keeps a man from pursuing his Personal Legend. if he abandons that pursuit, it's because it wasn't true love."

--Paul Coelho

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Things That Make Me Wanna Scream Love Lately

• Watching people outside from my window-seat at work. Particularly there is a short, slightly pudgy man who bustles to and from his car every day, and he walks as though it's urgent that he get to wherever he's going when really, I know it's not. At all. So it amuses me, watching him jiggle and vibrate hurriedly to and fro, his stubby legs pumping away. There's also a man who walks to lunch every day, and the arc of his silhouette is calming. I'd admired him for a while and wanted to see him close up. So one day, when I realized he was walking towards me, I got all excited. And he was like 20 years older than I expected. And looked nothing like I expected. Which was disappointing but also cool.



• Silver Mt. Zion. N/A is friends with them, and I think he best never introduce me because I will bed them all simultaneously and it will result in a cosmic explosion of the universe.
  
  "Please believe in gentle dreams
  The sweetness of people
  Whistling in their sleep"
  
  Listen to "Mountains Made of Steam" in the dark, staring at the twilight sky, birds pumping their wings in time to the music, and I think it could conceivably destroy you. Such heartbreaking nuances:
  
  
  Mountains Made of Steam - Thee...



• Sitting out on my roof in the dark. I think there may be nothing more wonderful than this. And I will miss it tremendously if/when I ever move. The city is so quiet at night. And there is something so spatially comforting about the expanse of my roof, the way it opens like a mouth against the neighborhood. And the Mary Poppins silhouettes of nearby houses which are cracked in gray and remind me of London although I've never been there. And the dark that's strangely pixellated and fuzzy. And my cats quietly navigating. And the highway quietly vibrating and humming.

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"AUSTRALIA Makes Me Want to Stab Myself" Pie

*Please forgive me, Mo.

I can't help but occasionally rip on a movie or two here (case in point). Not to say that I'm a connoisseur, 'cause, well, I like THESE. But sometimes, sometimes a movie is just so silly that if I keep it all in, I will develop severe constipation of the brain. In which case, it's better just to shit and shit hard.

So... PLOP:

The ridiculousness of Luhrmann's AUSTRALIA...

• Gratuitous half-naked Hugh Jackman wet-tshirt scene
  It made me laugh out loud. Granted, I think it was actually related to the plot, but I have to give Hugh Jackman props, because I was thinking about it, and there's such a ridiculous overabundance of gratuitous body-shots if women in movies that are clearly there just for titillation. But you don't see that often with male actors. And mother of god do they do it with Hugh Jackman in like EVERY movie he's in. He's also rarely dry. And it's weirdly cute. And it makes me want to pinch his cheeks and go awwww. It also makes me feel like a dirty middle-aged housewife sipping martinis in the middle of the day while watching the shirtless pool boy mop his brow with his t-shirt. But I can live with that.




(Housewife it up with me, won't you?)



• "Somewhere Over the Rainbow."



• Nicole Kidman's mannequin face--you were so so so pretty before, Nicky. WHY?!?! Now you bear the scarlet A of the insecure middle-aged woman. Boo.
  
  
  
  (Can't you just hear the creaks
  as she attempts to smile??)



• CGI--could you possibly look ANY more CGI than you do? I mean really. No blue-screen THERE, folks. The completely superimposed background that looks like it was airbrushed from a magazine is SURELY real. I mean, Australia I'm sure needed the help. 'Cause gorgeous landscape is something it surely does NOT have.



• White Savior Syndrome--Oh, look at the pretty white people learning from the natives. Look at the natives learning from the pretty white people. Look at the pretty white people rescuing the natives. Go, pretty white people! Go!



• Pretty white people in love--thank god they didn't leave this out, because a film strictly about racism and colonialization would just be so... damn... HEAVY. *pout* And we don't need that. We need white people in love to remind us that it's ok that all the darkies got shot up, 'cause at least the pretty white people rescued THEIR darkie and now they can all be in love together and white together (well, except for the darkie) and look pretty and make plastic facey love (except for the darkie). Go, pretty white people! Go!

[Also: I'm pretty certain the first third of this movie is stolen straight from a KING OF THE HILL episode. THIS ONE, to be exact.]

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Vol. 97 of Inexplicable Google Searches That Brought People to This Blog

• cheesy wedding songs



• female tattoo artist penis



• human disguise



• translate liebe meine abst-monkey

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Dook Theory

N/A posted a pic of me on the toilet today on his blog. Thankfully I didn't even realize it WAS a pic of me on the toilet until I READ it was a pic of me on the toilet. So he can rest assured that he won't return home to find all his comic books on fire.

And although his post about dookie didn't spur my own today, it seems fitting nonetheless.

You see, my friend P and I talk about this occasionally: The weird attempts that women take to hide the fact that they are taking a nice stank shit in a public place. We are a gender made leery of our own sounds and smells, unfortunately. But what makes these attempts so funny is that you mention them to someone else who's female, and they'll immediately start laughing because either a) they do it, or b) they've been in the presence of at least one of the folks who does.

Today, for your entertainment, I offer you this whimsical scatological female analysis of the Dookie-Decoy.

1. The Fake Tampon-Taker-Outer: This person will rustle/clank the tampon depository so that it sounds like the reason they are sitting in there for so long is not, in fact, dookie-related but because they have hemorrhagic lady-stuff they have to contend with.
   A-



2. The Extra-Flusher: This one I don't really understand, 'cause they flush the toilet as though to give the impression that they are, indeed, done and about to leave. But then they just continue to sit there and wait for you to leave. They don't even get up to complete the illusion. So it's like a decoy, but not a very good one because of the lack of follow-through. Plus, it also gives the impression that their shit doth stank so much that it is necessary to flush it away in small increments so as not to incapacitate the entire floor.
   D



3. The Nose-Blower: Like the Fake Tampon-Taker-Outer but with nose-blowing in place of tampon-rustling.
   C



4. The Loud Toilet-Paper Unraveler: Like the Extra-Flusher, I'm not sure what the tactic here is. Perhaps just to stall. But this essentially consists of loud extraction of toilet-paper from the roll. Like lots of toilet paper. Which, instead of making me think you're just taking a real long time peeing and getting toilet paper to wipe, makes me think you must've just shit out Shamu if it requires that much toilet paper to wipe it away.
   D



5. And my all-time favorite... The Deer in Headlights: This person freezes as soon as someone enters the restroom with them. They do not breathe. They do not stir. They do not unravel or rustle or clank. They just will themselves into invisibility until you leave, as though you surely won't figure out why they're in there if they manage to just. keep. quiet. I always take a GRATUITOUSLY long time to wash my hands when I'm in a bathroom with these folks, sometimes enough so that they will break down and give an audible exasperated sigh. Which--as always--means I win.
   F

What instigated this list today was my realization that having a Keeper (a rubber/silicon tampon substitute) creates a whole new breed of bathroom paranoia. Reason being that a) The Keeper is not well-known, and b) The Keeper requires suction in order to lock it into place. So there IS no common bathroom explanation for the noises that emanate from a reinsertion, unlike a tampon rustle or depository clank. It does not shout: Hey, here is what is going on! Which means that normally I try to avoid emptying it and reinserting it when others are in the bathroom.

Today, however, I threw caution to the wind and attempted a reinsertion. And the noise sounded like a combination of plunging and weird extraterrestrial squeaking, which caused me to put myself in the other person's shoes and realize that they probably thought these sounds were emanating from my asshole in the world's strangest and cacophonous asshole symphony and/or that the person in the bathroom with them was transforming from their human disguise back into transmorphic alien reptilia, sent to take over the workplace.

Both of which of course amused me to no end. 'Cause really, this place could USE a little bit of transmorphic alien reptilian excitement every once in a while.

Point being: Today marks my first step at taking back the dookie!

My sisters, we must take it all back! The shout, fart, squeak, queef, and dookie! Do it loud and do it proud! I am shitter, hear me roar!

Are you with me?!?

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Ennui

(Posted at JPGmag)

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More Reasons I Can't Wait to Be Done with My Workplace

• There is swine flu information inexplicably taped to the tampon dispenser. Not the paper-towel dispenser where the woman who left without washing her hands last week could've read it. But where we go to buy things to jam up our crotches.



• There is a pinky-sized piece of dry poo stuck to the inside wall of one of the bathroom stalls. I cannot even begin to conceive of the circumstances in which it came to rest there.



• Someone was just shitting in the lady's room with no shoes on.

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Deep Thoughts with Lindy Loo

I just realized this morning that spam subject-lines are essentially just poorly-written fortune cookie fortunes.

Case in point:

-You don't have to look like trash even when you don't have cash-

-You can be happy leaving your wallet happy as well-

-It feels good to lose some weight the easy way-

-Get back into shape without a gym membership-

-Find the paradise inside the mechanism of a Submariner SS watch-

-Work at home-

-Your girlfriend will kiss your feet if you give her a golden watch-



And my personal favorite:


-Your masculinity will open up just in a few weeks-

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The Uncertain Tenets of Feminism

or

More "Shit You Couldn't Make Up Even if You Wanted To"

or

"My Boyfriend Broke Up With Me and To Make Myself Better About Living, I Will Project All My Wishful Thinking on Men as Proof That Surely He Still Wants to Be With Me"

or

16 truths about guys - w4m - 25
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Reply to: pers-unqdz-1154893820@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Date: 2009-05-04, 10:29PM EDT

YOU HAVE to read all of them and if you don't your going to come across with problems in your relationship for the next month!

1) Guys may be flirting around all day, but before they go to sleep they always think about the girl they truly care about

2) Guys are more emotional then you think if they loved you at one point it takes them a lot longer then you think to let you go, and it hurts every second that they arent with you

3) Guys go crazy over a girl's smile ( :

4) A guy who likes you wants to be the only guy you talk to

5) Giving a guy a hanging messa?ge like "You know what uh...never mind....." would make him jump to a conclusion that is far from what you are thinking and he'll assume he did something wrong and he'll obsess about it trying to figure it out

6) If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him.

You dont give advice!

7) A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you.


8) GUYS LOVE YOU MORE THEN YOU LOVE THEM!

9) Guys use words like hot or cute to describe girls. They rarely use beautiful or gorgeous. If a guy uses that, he loves you or likes you a whole heck of a lot.


10) If the guy does something stupid in front of the girl, he will think about it for the next couple days or until the next time he spends time with you

11) When a guy looks at you for longer than a second, he's definitely thinking something

12)A guy would give the world to be able to read a girl's mind for a day

13)No guy can handle all his problems on his own He's just too stubborn to admit it

14)NOT ALL GUYS ARE RUDE! Just because ONE is RUDE doesn't mean he represents ALL of them

15) WHEN A GUY SACRIFICES HIS SLEEP AND HEALTH JUST TO TALK TO YOU, HE REALLY LIKES YOU AND WANTS TO BE WITH YOU AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE

16) Even if you dump a guy months ago and he loved you he probably still does and if he had one wish it would be you to come back into his life

-Everything said in this bulletin is true

-Ladies, if u don't repost this within 1 hr then you will lose the guy of your dreams

-Guys, if you don't repost this in 1 hr then you will lose the girl of your life

(posted on Craigslist)

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You Know the Phrase "You Couldn't Make That Shit Up Even if You WANTED To..."?

First lengthy Old Guy Neighbor roof-conversation of the year...




OGN: MEOW! MEOW MEOW!

Me: Hey, J.

OGN: Hi, Cat Lady.

[Insert niceties: How you doings, etc.]

OGN: So are YOU the one who does the laundry down there? [pointing to the basement of my house]

Me: Nope. Not me.

OGN: Well, I have to talk to whoever that is, 'cause I think I'm allergic to their fabric softener.

Me: [said to self] What?!?

[OGN lives on the second floor of a house next door. The person doing the laundry would be doing it in the basement of my house. How the scent would travel two stories, in through his hallway, down his hall, and into his apartment THROUGH closed windows, I am unclear on.]

OGN: Yeah, I don't know if it's Snuggles or Bounce or what fabric softener, but whenever they do their laundry, it makes my eyes water, my throat start to close up, I start coughing terribly.

Me: [said to self] Are you kidding me?

[Insert recurring conversation about how OGN hates my landlord because she kicked them all out of her houses so she could charge new tenants more rent--a story I've heard about 37 times]

OGN: So what do you think of Boom Boom?

[Boom Boom is OGN's nickname for Obama. I have no clue WHY this nickname but can only assume it's something weird and/or racist.]

[Insert recurring conversation about the feeding of the city birds and which birds OGN hates and likes. Hates: Starlings. Pigeons. Bluejays. Likes: Sparrows.]

OGN: So what you reading there? Homework?

Me: Nah. Just a book for fun. [Book is a graphic novel about a high school lesbian with extremely detailed pics of chicks eating out other chicks. I keep that to myself.]

OGN: I'm still reading the Koran. [He told me he was reading it when I bumped into him on the street a month or so ago.] It's all just the Bible until about halfway through it and then I have NO idea what's going on. The second part is all crazy and stuff. But that's their teachings and stuff. I can't make heads or tails of it though.

[Insert recurring conversation about the guy who lived up front for about five minutes and the shockingly true story of how he went from football-player physique to feeble wheelchair-bound after getting high on the dope and driving off a cliff.]

OGN: Oh, so hey! You got me eating vegetarian.

Me: Oh yeah??

OGN: Well, except for the chicken.

Me: Aha.

[I told OGN IN PASSING about 6 months ago that I was vegetarian, after finally getting tired of him asking me what meat-food he should have for dinner. If only EVERYONE were this easy to convince.]

OGN: I should let you get back to what you're doing...

Me: Oh ok. Well, have a nice night.

[pause]

OGN: Oh hey! So do you go to the library ever?

Me: Um, yeah. Once in a while. [Reality: 1-3 times a week.]

OGN: You think you could pick me up a book about making sweet potato pie?

Me: Um, yeah. I can look next time I go.

OGN: And puddings. That kind of stuff. Sweet potato pie and puddings. Somebody stole my cookbook that had the sweet potato pie recipes in it.

Me: That sucks.

OGN: And I'd check it out myself but I lost my library card. So if you can pick it up for me sometime, then maybe I could make a sweet potato pie. I like baking pies. Haven't baked a pie in forever. If I bake one, I'll bring you over a slice.

Me: Cool.

[Insert recurring conversation about all his friends either being dead or having moved away.]

OGN: So I've seen you outside a few times--one time with a guy--but I didn't wanna bother you because I don't like to bother people.

Me: Uh huh.

OGN: I don't like to be a bother to people. I mean: if you don't want to talk, you just say, J: I don't wanna talk right now, and then we don't talk. Because I don't want to be a bother.

[Noting the fact that he's hard of hearing, so even if I WANTED that, he wouldn't be able to hear my request anyways. Brilliant mastermindishness.]

Me: [smiling]

OGN: Yeah, I don't like to be a bother. Anyways, I should let you get back to your reading.

Me: Ok.

OGN: But yeah, if you're at the library and could remember to pick me up a book on sweet potato pie next time, I'd appreciate.

Me: Okey-doke. Have a good night.

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"You do something to me, something that simply mystifies me..."

I have a long-standing hatred of Hugh Jackman, ever since I saw Van Helsing which has--ever since--been at the top of my list of Worst Movies of All-Time. (It makes me physically angry even just to think about--you can click on that link right there to read my rant about it if you didn't 5 years ago.)

Couple that with the fact that he strikes me as so annoyingly shaped from the mold of the standard-American-attractive-male (and yes, I know he's not American, but he still stands as iconic in regards to this), and the fire has been fanned to enormous, flamey heights.

BUT

while watching, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, there's a moment where he leaned in towards someone in a boxing ring and called them an asshole, and I've got to admit:

In that moment, I felt a stirring in my loins.

It feels so wrong to think and feel this, but I think the men I find most attractive (in a base, gritty, sexual way) are the men who I know--in some way or another--could throw me over their shoulder and kidnap me, drag me off by my hair, pin me down and incapacitate/overpower me, without me being able to do a goddamn thing about it.

And, clearly, Hugh Jackman--with his glowering, glistening embodiment of hyper-masculinity--is a man who could do this.

(Sidenote: He is also a man who is inexplicably sweaty throughout Wolverine, which cracked me up--I mean, I understand the profuse sweat when he's all busting ass on the bad guys. But there's a couple scenes where he's suddenly, and inexplicably, in a tank-top and glistening with huge bulgy muscular slippery sweat, and I just wanted to giggle and be like: MASTURBATION!)

So: Hugh Jackman--I guess ultimately, although you may have won in the stirring of my loins, the fact that you just made me realize this about myself is ultimately just one more reason to dislike you.

Hugh Jackman: 1

Lindy Loo: 7

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